Time to Unpack Part 2 - Confession and Questions

Part 2 has been a long time coming... since my last post I've been busy. I had an annual ARD for my middle child, my youngest was diagnosed with a hearing impairment and we had her first 504 meeting, I passed my first and second kidney stones, my mom had a wee bit of surgery, I closed out the fall semester at work, hosted a couple of Christmas gatherings (one of which included 50+ people in my house) as well as did all my shopping and had family Christmas. Now, I'm in my jammies and finally finding time to get back to this post.  So, yeah, busy.

Even though I have been busy I wouldn't say the revelations I shared in my last post have left me.  Quite the contrary actually. They are on my mind all the time, usually followed up with the forever unanswered "what now?" question. But before I can answer that I have another confession to make. This one took me a little bit longer to wrap my head around and acknowledge, so forgive me if it is hard to articulate.

At the close of my last post I acknowledge all of the things that I packed away in the suitcase. The list included writing, teaching, and multiple leadership roles at church. I took gifts that God has given me and set them aside because I was confused about how to use them within the church culture I am a part of. Trying to figure that out had me questioning so many things that I gave up and put it away. I left something off the list though. Something I didn't even realize I was packing away. Surprisingly, God reveled it to me in the blacklight putt-putt course at Grand Station. (see - God can reach you anywhere!) Easy and I were having a surprisingly deep chat while we played through the course and he asked me what one thing would make me feel like I was moving forward spiritually. It took me a bit to find the words and then God gave them to me - Fresh Revelation - and in that moment I realized how foolish I have been. I had stopped seeking.

Now, don't get me wrong, God has still been teaching me things over the last several years. He teaches me through music and song, through shared devotional and study time in small group and classes, and through the preached word on Sunday mornings. He teaches me through family prayer time, and friends, and desk calendars. I am so grateful that He loves me enough to continue reaching out and speaking to me even when I am not purposefully and intentionally seeking fresh revelation from Him. Now that I know though... now that I realize I haven't been pursing Him... well, it's time to get out of the suitcase and start the journey again.

As I begin anew I realize I'm left with two main questions. Before I put them out there for you to think about, let me take a moment to say thank you to my friend and brother in Christ, Jason Fikes. Jason recently taught a three class series on the topic of women's roles in the church and it was sitting through his very well informed and well spoken class that prompted all this self reflection. More than just prompting the self reflection though, it started dialogue on the topic that is spilling over into a variety of settings and I do believe that is how growth and change begin. So, what are the questions I face now?

1) Does God gift women and men differently? Are there gifts not available to one gender or the other? Can a women be given the gift of teaching, prophecy, or even leadership? And if so, then how is she to use it?

2) What is authority? So much of the struggle with this topic is connected to the idea of authority. So what exactly is it? I understand authority within my marriage, and to a degree within the church structure I choose to be a part of. But outside of that, what is spiritual authority? Does it have an impact on my individual life? And is it connected in any way to whether one if male or female?

Time to dig deeper. I'll work on unpacking these questions as I continue to blog. I ask you earnestly to pray for me as I begin to journey again into a topic that it challenging and as I again submit to the call God has placed on me to use my mind and words to share all He teaches me with anyone willing to read or listen.

Time to Unpack Part 1 - How I Got in a Suitcase

I've been doing some real self reflection the last few weeks. That's not really me all packed away in the red suitcase, but it could be. I do have a red suitcase, and I have come to understand that there is a significant part of myself that I have packed away and zipped up tight for a number of years. Now that I realize what it is I've done, I'm not all that proud. Let me tell you how a wound up in a suitcase.

Several years ago I took a job with the church I attend running the Nursery and Childcare Ministry. At the same time I was the ministry leader for what was then our POPS (parents of pre-schoolers) ministry, I served on the women's ministry committee, and I was on the Board of Directors for the preschool at our church (where I know work). Being in a lot of different leadership roles at church was awesome.  I was thriving and studying and generally loving life. At the time, our elders had a quarterly ministry leaders meeting where all the elders (or all that could come) and all of the various ministry leaders got together to not only discuss what the various ministries were doing but to evaluate what the vision of our church was and how our ministries fit into that vision. It was a time intended to help us all focus on making sure we were working towards the same goals and not actually pulling resources and purpose away from one another. At least that's how I remember it. I was excited and fired up to be a part of that process. I mean, I was just me, a little ol' Church of Christ girl serving in a leadership capacity in the church. But I'm getting ahead of myself....I need to share with your 3 things that happened over about a two-year period that rocked my world, and I realized now resulted in a suitcase life.

First I'll tell you about being on a vision committee. At one of those big ministry leader meetings the elder leading the meeting (I think it was an elder, it may have been one of the ministers) was concluding the thoughts for the day and explained that the goal was to put together a committee to write a vision statement for our church.  He asked something like this," So, if anyone has a gift with words and would be willing to serve on the committee please raise your hand." I didn't even think, I just raised my hand and even though I detected a slight pause in the processing of the man at the front of the room, I found myself on the committee.  I'm pretty sure I called my mom and said, "I can't believe what I just did.  I didn't even really mean to, I just raised my hand." I raised my hand because I was confident in the gifts God has given me, not for any other reason or agenda. As I served on the committee the first thing that shook my thinking up happened.  As we were concluding one of our meetings one of the elders on the committee said very casually," Sarah, will you close our meeting with a prayer." There it was, a moment that changed - well, me.  I hesitated only briefly and then said "Of course," and I worded a prayer to conclude our time together.  This time I know I called my mom. From the parking lot.  With shaking hands.  I told her what happened in an unbelieving, breathless way the belied the shaking and quivering I was still experiencing. I left the parking lot that night wondering how that was possible.  How was little female me allowed to word a prayer in a room of elders and other male leaders?  (Yes, I said allowed - that was the word my brain produced at the time.... now it uses different words.)

Secondly, I will tell you about my oldest daughter's baptism. As most of my readers, if there are any left, know, my oldest daughter has Asperger Syndrome.  That is only relevant to this part of the story because there were very few people in her life at that time that she truly trusted. I was top of the list. I was her safe person. Maybe you see where this is headed. After a year of discussing baptism and her begging us to let her be baptized, my sweet hubby and I said "Yes, of course, you should answer the call you feel to give your life to Christ!" She was so excited, and then she told me she wanted me to baptize her.  Wait, what? Could I do that?  I spent some time on my own studying scripture. I prayed a lot. I spoke with my husband, my parents, and my grandmother (miss you Nana!!!). I spoke with my boss at the church (the Children's coordinator) and at her recommendation, I went to speak with one of our elders. I chose an elder I had a good relationship with thanks to all of those ministry leader meetings. As a matter of fact, I think I caught him in the hall after one of those meetings to visit with him about this. He was wonderful and he confirmed what I had found on my own - there is absolutely NOTHING in scripture that says anything about whether a male or female could baptize someone.  So basically I got a big green light from the elder - provided it wasn't during a regular church service. Now, my sweet Aspie anxious child didn't want to be baptized at a church service anyway so this point was not one that mattered.  But still..... (And yes, I did baptize my daughter at the church building - on a Saturday afternoon with only a very few friends and loved ones present)

And third - the last piece that really shook me up. As I mentioned, earlier, I was active in the women's ministry at this time.  I did quite a bit of class facilitation and teaching and I was writing on this blog and my other ones on a regular basis.  I was asked to be one of the speakers for an upcoming women's event. It was the first time I had been asked to teach/speak on a topic that wasn't straight from a book for reference or directly related to my own story and testimony.  I was nervous, but excited at the challenge.  I learned a lot as I prepared for the event. God is so good and He was teaching me and I was excited to share that with everyone. Oh, wait, not everyone. I was excited to share that with the women. See, that's when it hit me. God had given me a gift of teaching, a way with words and communication that brings Him glory, but I couldn't share that with everyone. And there was no situation I could imagine in my world at the time that would ever give my husband, my daddy, or my son the opportunity to hear my speak and teach from God's word.  And that broke my heart.

So what did I do?  I started studying and looking for resources.  I found one book that I wound up throwing across the room because it was so poorly written. (sorry, I'm a bit of a literary snob I guess) A friend recommended a book that wound up being out of print.  Another recommended a book that I got but struggled through as it was just very heavy and read like a textbook (with no professor to help expound on what it meant).  I kept digging and praying and looking and then I found myself in a very scary place.  I found myself starting to think things like," Well, Paul said that, but JESUS didn't." Thinking like that quickly leads to a lot of doubts and questions - the kind that can shake your faith. And I didn't want my faith shaken. My life is not all that easy. I have kids with some serious issues. I need my faith. I need my Jesus. If looking into this issue of where women fit in the church, women gifted with leadership and teaching and administration and even prophesy, if studying this was going to make me doubt, then I wasn't going to do. So I packed it away. And along with it I packed away all of my writing, all of my speaking and teaching, and every leadership role I had at the time. I packed away some of my God given gifts.  And that is sinful. So maybe it's time to unpack..... but what in the world does that looks like?  We'll have to make that Part 2.....

A Family Project

When I started this blog years ago it was dedicated to two things: getting my physical body healthy and growing spiritually.  I don't think that goal has changed, but I no longer felt the need to check in on the physical stuff in this forum.  I'm healthier than I have been since high school.  I've maintained that for over a year.  Sure, I tend to fluctuate a bit throughout the year.  I'm not immune to the holidays or to end of year (defined as post spring break-end of school) stress eating. But it stays in check.  And it stays in check because exercise and being mindful of what I put in my body has become a way of life, not a project.  So, I may still make an occasional post related to the physical part (I have one on body image already brewing in my brain), but for the most part the focus of this blog going forward will be on trying to process, articulate, and share what God is teaching me.

A couple of Sundays ago, on my birthday, I had one of those amazing moments when I knew God was telling me to do something.  I love those moments.  We were having family prayer time during our morning service at church and I was praying over Paris.  In particular, I was praying that God would help me teach her how to trust in Him to meet her needs.  Paris is, well, a fairly negative person.  Her first inclination in any situation that is slightly out of her control or contrary to the plan she had in her head is to freak out, meltdown, and get angry (usually at me).  Part of that is due to her Asperger's.  I realize and accept that God made her brain and body to work differently than mine.  I can't change that.  What I can do, and should do, is not accept the idea that she can't grow and change in how she views the world she lives in.  Paris doesn't believe the way she thinks can change.  I know better.  God has changed the way I think, and he can certainly do that for her too.  So, I sat there on that Sunday praying that God would help me teach her that if she is relying on Him, she doesn't have to be in control - a concept that I know from experience will greatly reduce the amount of anxiety she feels on a daily basis. I wasn't even expecting an answer really since I was asking for assistance in the journey and not for a specific need to be met. What I got was an image in my mind of a project for our entire family to do this summer.

We are going to make a family eucharisteo board.  I love that word. Eucharisteo.  It's like a sigh in my mind.  If you aren't familiar with eucharisteo I recommend reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  Here are a few quotes from the book (p.32-33) to give you the idea:

Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds its derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy."

 

Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks.

 

Deep chara joy is found only at the table of the euCHARisteo - the table of thanksgiving.

 

We are making a giant chalk board to document our daily thanks for the many gifts God gives us.  Each of us in the family will get a different colored chalk and we will write on our board daily.  At the end of the summer I will seal it and we will hang it in our breakfast nook above the window to the back porch.

Not the best pic, but you can see the empty spot we are going to fill with God's provision.

 

I don't think I would ever have dreamed up this project on my own.  What God reminded me of as this plan rolled through my mind is that trusting Him fully is dependent on understanding that He has already given us everything.  If He takes care of the little things, He can take care of the big things. I think my little people (and probably the big ones in our house too) need a visual reminder of the gifts God gives us every single day. 

 

When I laid this plan out to the family everyone was on board. Easy started figuring out how to build the chalkboard and how he would hang it.  Vivi gave an excited clap.  Tripp gave a big thumbs up with an accompanying happy sound effect. Mom and Dad wanted to know if they could write on the board (which of course they can any time they want to). Paris asked," But what if we don't have anything that day.". Well Sweet P, that is exactly why we are doing it.  So we can be reminded that even on what feels like the worst day ever God still provides for us.

 

Today I received affirmation that this indeed is what God wants us as a family to do. The following scripture was part of the reading for my Bible study:

 

I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. - Ephesians 3:16

 

Imagine my surprise when my exact sentiment is right there, already in scripture.  Join me as I pray for my family that as we make a physical list of the limitless gifts God provides to sustain our joy, that we will all be empowered with inner strength through the Spirit; casting aside fear and anxiety for the gift of peace and joy.







Perpetual Project

You may have seen over on my other blog that Easy got me my own computer for my birthday & Mother's Day this year.  The main reason I wanted on was so that I could start blogging again and stop fighting for device time with my three beautiful, electronic hogging children.  I've been sitting on the couch this evening tweaking the little boxes on this blog in preparation to re-launch it.

I thought long an hard about not coming back to this blog.  I considered combing my other blog and this one.  I find at this point in life it is difficult to separate out the family stories from my own.  We are a system that is always changing and growing together.  What happens to one of us effects all of us.  After much consideration though, I've decided to keep them separate.  I want this blog to continue to be dedicated to introspection and taking a closer look at what God is doing as he transforms me.

What I hope you will see as we continue along this journey is that I have surrendered to God's story for my life. (I considered Sarah Surrendered as a blog title if I had combined the two sites.). I have no idea what chapters lie ahead for me.  What I do know is that I have learned to stop railing against the pieces of my story that have been revealed.  I have stopped looking ahead to what the next chapter might be and learned to enjoy the one I'm in.  I understand now that trying to orchestrate the way the story goes is ridiculous.  I already know how it ends.  Jesus is my beginning and end.  The end.

My battery is running low so I'm going to post this and go plug in this nifty new tablet/laptop thing that Easy got me.  I hope as I begin writing here again that my words might reach out and draw someone closer to Christ.  That really is the point of my whole story.

The Grief Wing

I started to title this the Grief Room, but in this temple it seems to have an entire wing. Sort of a split level actually. There's the traditional section of grieving for friends and family that have left this life, then there's the section that grieves things in this life - like the autism stuff, and broken relationships, and dreams/hopes that didn't materialize. I'm not good with grief. Never have been, not sure I ever will be. The last week has forced me to spend some time in the grief wing and I don't like it.

A week ago my best friend's dad passed away. As I talked to her on the phone I found that I had way too little to offer. Had I been there I would have wrapped her up in my arms, held her and prayed over her, but you can't do all of that on the phone. I did get to go down for the visitation and funeral. I felt so inadequate. I wanted to make things better for her, and I just couldn't.

Trying to be there for her and spending time in prayer over this loss had me wondering around my own grief history. I literally had images of wondering around in a wing of the temple looking at all the faces like they were pictures on the wall. Umpa James, Daddy Bill, Papa & Bebe, Sandy (my father-in-law), and several other family members floated through my thoughts. Then I turned to another wall and saw others - Mark, the brother of my high-school sweetheart - the first time I dealt with a death I really didn't know how to handle. Tess' grandmother, Ruth Dooley, Wayne Wright, Jim Hance, and Bradley. They all (and others) filtered through my thoughts, the specifics of their place in my life rolling over me in little waves. It wasn't fun. I don't like the grief wing, but I think I said that already.

Today another picture got hung on the wall. An old youth group pal was killed in a car accident this morning. Kevin's picture is right next to Brad's in my head. So sad. A wife and two kids left. Parents loosing a child. I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it. I don't know what to do with it.

Sadly, my flesh becomes strong when my spirit is weak and I seem to attempt comfort in ways that are not healthy. Grieving the loss of my grandfathers (or rather, not grieving them as the case really was) is what triggered the major depression I survived in my early 20's. That's where the initial weight gain came from - that depression. So this last week as I wondered around in my grief wing I found myself making bad choices. I ate fatty foods and I drank DP and I really just wanted to be left alone in a quiet room.

HOWEVER, I choose not to stay there. I know that as I get older I will have to visit this part of the temple from time to time. Some of those visits will be harder than others. And I suppose at some point in this life the frequency of those visits will increase. The beautiful part is that now I know that it is just a small part of the temple. It's not the whole thing! It doesn't have to take over. I can go there and mourn and cry and ask God to help me get up and go back to another part of this life that he created for me. And He'll pick me up, dry my tears, and carry back into the joy that exists in my everyday life. He'll show me the miracles that walk around in plain sight. He'll remind me that He is in control and that as long as I love and trust Him I have nothing to worry about. He says to me,"When you don't know what to do with it, just give it to Me. It's really Mine anyway."

I know these things to be true because God is in every room on every level, in every closet, and under every bed. I don't have to run around looking for Him. I simply call out His name and then feel His presence because this temple is His. Thank you Father for being present in every moment.

Progress Report

Feeling pretty good this week. Since my confessional post last week I have lost 3 pounds. Did pretty good on workouts last week - Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. Thursday was just a walk on the treadmill - but it was great. The kids were having a horrible morning. We wooke up late, had to get Tripp to ESY, the girls were cranky......so after we dropped off T I let the girls watch tv and I walked off the morning's frustrations. Had a great day after that. Friday I didn't do a specific workout but Mom and I did take the kids to the pool and let me tell you, walking in the pool with children attached to you is exercise! I slept to well that night!!!

Food went alright. I think I had 3 Dr. Peppers - much better than the 7 per week I had been averaging. No sweets or desserts. I did have french fries on Sunday, but nothing else fried. I've got August's meal calendar complete, just need to do the grocery lists.

House cleaning system is going so-so, keeping up with laundry fine, but still stuggling with the floors. Doesn't help that my vaccuum is making that hot smell when I turn it on and Easy just changed the belts 2 weeks ago.

No progress happening on kids stuff - still need to work on fall visuals/schedules as well as making a lists of who needs what before school starts. It's a bit daunting.

So that's all the external stuff.....internally it has been a great week. I love being in a place where I feel like I'm learning new things. I think if I could stop loosing focus I could stay put with my spirit open to hear His whenever He speaks - wouldn't that be fabulous?!?!?! I feel like I was closer to God this past week than I have been in quite some time. Perhaps it's because I confessed my laziness and my sin of filling up with food and not the Father. Kinda feels like He gave me this great reward for owning up to what I've done the last 8 months. Of course, it hasn't all been roses. I've been quite convicted in a few areas, but that's what it takes to move forward so I'm not complaining.

I need to run - busy evening ahead, just wanted to post the progress so I'm being accountable. Prayers for continued focus are appreciated!!

Affirmation

I was reading today and received a word of affirmation so I thought I'd share it with you. A little back story...........at somepoint during the last year I was processing some stuff with my sweet mom and I used the term disobedient to describe a choice a made. At the time she questioned if that was the right word to use. My response was pretty simple - "Well, God told me not do it and I did it anyway." Then she agreed that it was the right word. Here's a quote from Battlefield of the Mind:

Disobedience is disregarding the voice of the Lord,
or whatever God is speaking to us personally,
not just transgressing the Ten Commandments.

We tend to think of disobedience as breaking a clearly established rule. For my kids, the "House Rules" are clearly defined and they know they will have consequences if they choose to break them. Life as a faithful Christian isn't so easily defined though. In fact, clear cut rules and regulations are quite contrary to some of the teachings in the new testament. ...a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. (Gal. 2:16)

So where does that leave us with obedience? Well, one basic premise, or rule if you like that word, is clear - believe. Believe in Jesus. Believe in God. Believe God. Very timely for me I think that we are doing Beth Moore's Believing God study this fall during LBC. It focuses on moving from believing in God to believing God. What does that mean? Here's an example:

When God told me not to do that thing I did I didn't believe Him. I didn't believe anyone else would do it if I didn't - which really means I didn't believe God would take care of it. Yikes. I believed in God, but I didn't believe Him when he said He could take care of it and it wasn't my job to do it.

So why is it so hard to believe when we feel God speaking in our spirit? That would be doubt. I think we are often guilty of not spending the time it takes to attune ourselves to the Spirit. Satan likes that. It makes it easy for him to attack us with doubt. Even when we know that we know that we know that we have heard from God, it is easy for Satan to cause us to doubt the source. Because we are not practiced in communication with Him we wonder which voice we really heard. We wonder if it's just our own voice, we wonder if it's Satan's voice, the voices of others seem so much louder than the voice we heard......and the list goes on. Please know that I didn't hear an audible voice. When I say voice I'm really describing the inner prompting you feel when the Spirit moves. I do think we need to pray expecting to hear from God.....we also need to practice listening with our spirit........and when He speaks we need to obey. Because disobedience has consequences.

Struggling Confession/Accountability Call

Hmmmm......after an absence like this I don't know where to start..........so I'll start with the truth. I've undone some remodeling. I've gained 15 pounds. There, I said it........now I hope you will help me deal with it.

OK, so here's the deal - it's been a rough last 12 months. I could list lots of reasons that the last 12 months of my life we stressful and difficult and emotionally exhausting and blah blah blah. Here's the bottom line truth I've come to accept though - there are consequences to disobedience. Duh, right? I teach my kids that on a daily basis. So why is that a lesson I'm still learning?

About a year ago I spent some serious prayer time beseeching God for an answer to a pretty specific question. I felt very clearly that he gave me one. "No, don't do it." Guess what, I did it anyway. Doesn't really matter what "it" was, the point here is that I felt an answer in my spirit and allowed my flesh to act in opposition to that answer. So what were the consequences? The details don't matter, but there definitely was more stress in my life than there needed to be. And when I'm stressed............well, I eat. I feel like I deserve it. Like somehow it is a valid reward. I also realized part way through the year why I was so stressed out but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Then I felt guilty...........so I ate some more. Then I realized I was eating more than I should and that I wasn't making good choices...........which made me "feel bad about myself"..........so I ate some more. Gee, do you think perhaps I was listening to Satan's voice and not the Father's? I even said things to myself like "but look how big you were after Vivi, you're no where near that so it's OK." Um, no, not OK.

So, now what do I do? I can be a good wife, a good mom, and I can work in the gifts/ministry God has called me to. What does that look like? Well it starts with plate balancing - I'm in the process of removing all the activities that don't help me be a better wife, mom, writer, or teacher. I already have more peace having taken some of those steps. They have been well received by those they affect and I am thankful for their understanding and support.

I was recently convicted about this physical body yet again though. It is the vessel God gave me with which to accomplish all those things He calls me to do on this earth. I should be taking better care of it. So here I am, yet again needing to overhaul the temple - head to toe, mind to heart. I am no longer comparing myself to where I was 4 years ago. That battle is over. This is a different one. It may look the same on the outside, but I know that the terrain is different. This battle is one that I must rely on God to win because I so clearly can not do it in my own strength. Yes, I have new skills, weapons, perspectives, but so does Satan. So, I'm throwing down the gauntlet because my God deserves the best of what I have. I know when I'm giving Him my all He will fill me with strength and power I can't even comprehend. And I'm counting on that because it sure feels like Satan has outsmarted me for the past year.

I covet your prayers, your words of encouragement, your shared journey, even your admonishment. Please help keep me accountable. I intend to post at least weekly and update the sidebars under Progress Report. I am hungry for communication in this struggle - here, on FB, in person........I have felt very alone for the last year, but when I look around I see I am surrounded by people that I know will help me if I ask. So I'm asking.

Empty

So, it's been quite a while since the last post. I admit that Facebook is getting most of my posts these days. Perhaps that because I only think in 1-2 sentence segments. Today, however, I find myself needing to pour out a little and to ask for the prayers of anyone reading this.

Just in case any of you don't play on FB and missed the posts last fall, Paris was in fact diagnosed with Aspeerger's Syndrome. Since my last post we got the diagnosis, went through the process with the school district and now have appropriate labels and supports in place. We've started her on the same supplement Tripp takes to boost her body's production of glutathione and we are taking her to the therapeutic riding place where Tripp goes as well. She's actually doing really well right now.

I think that's part of why I find myself struggling at the moment. She and Tripp and Vivie are all doing really well. We've moved out of the barely surviving stage we were in for months and are doing well. As my mom pointed out though, when things are going well I actually have time to feel - and it doesn't neccessarily feel good. When I'm in survivial mode I can just work my guts out to get through the day and then pass out so I can do it all over again. There's no time to think or feel. No time to see the things I'm not getting done. No time to see where I'm not being obedient to God's call on my life. But now that things are going better with the kids.................yeah, not doing so great personally.

I think part of it is finally acknowledging that I have to kids with autism. Still hard to say that. Still makes me want to cry sometimes. It's not just that though. Another person that I love dearly was diagnosed with cancer last week. Prognosis is great and I have very little doubt that the treatment plan is going to obliterate the cancer. But, seriously, I'm tired of this! I had a friend tell me recently that I can't afford to sweat the small stuff because my life is full of the big stuff. Well I'm kinda sick of big stuff.

I recently spoke at a women's event at church. It was a message that I enjoyed sharing - that I enjoyed learning - that God put on my heart just for that event. I realize now that since that day I have been under attack. Now, I realize not all of you reading this may truly beleive in spirtual warfare. But I do. And I'm telling you that Satan didn't like the message I shared. He didn't like that in the midst of my life of "big stuff" I still let God give me that message and was obedient in sharing it. He's ramped up his battle against me and I confess that I have faltered. I am struggling. I'd rather hide in bed and eat chocolate than do anything. Actually, I have hidden in bed and eaten chocolate. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm tearful. I was reminded this week at ladies' class how important it is to recognize when we're under attack. Now I see it. Now I can fight it because now I remember that I can call upon the strength of the Lord to get through these days.

Friends - pray for me. Pray that Satan will back off. Pray that I will stand strong in Christ and KNOW that God is God and I am not. Pray that I will rely on the strength of the Lord and heed the stirrings of the Holy Spirit. Pray that I will be obedient and allow God's work in and through me to be done. Pray continually - because I am under attack.

A Word about Demolition

So here's the thing about remodeling - it's not the same as redecorating. As I look over the journey I've taken regarding the physical parts of this temple I realize that it was mostly redecorating. It's the exterior. I'm not saying it's been easy or that I didn't have to destroy some seriously false beliefs and thoughts along the way, but it was really just redecorating. Paris has been wanting to redecorate her room. We told her we can redo her room for her 8thb-day (next summer) and she's is enjoying coming up with ideas for that. Currently we are considering dark purple and hot pink and perhaps some words written above her closet - Rock n Roll. She's a hoot. Redecorating with her will be fun. If we started knocking out walls and such though - well it could get pretty messy.



So, if I'm going to stay in the remodeling process, it's time to talk about why it's different than just changing the shell. Remodeling often, if not always, requires some kind of demolition. Demolition hurts. It's ripping out walls, changing the floor plan, adding rooms. It's cutting, nailing, sawing. It's noisy. It's messy. BUT, if you have the right contractor it all gets cleaned up and put together and looks great on the other side of the mess. My belief is that when the Master Carpenter is in charge of the remodel, it actually turns out better than you planned. But the demolition still hurts.



This week I've been coming to terms again with the fact the my children's future isn't going to look just like I imagined when I gave birth to them. In reality I guess no child's future is exactly what their parents pictured on day one. When Tripp was diagnosed on the autism spectrum a grieving process began. Though God has faithfully brought me through that initial pain, I know that I will continue to grieve the loss of what I thought his life was going to be. Now don't get me wrong, I know that God has big plans for my little Monkey. I think Tripp is going to grow into an amazing young man and will be capable of having fulfilling relationships and a job that fits him perfectly. But it's going to be a challenge. And it isn't going to be the journey I pictured in my head when I found out I was having a baby boy. Different isn't necessarily worse, but we still grieve the loss of what we thought life would be.

This week I feel like a new room is being demolished. I took Paris to the doctor on Wednesday to begin the process of having her evaluated for...something. We're honestly not sure what. We've considered ADD, Dyslexia, Depression, and even Asperger's Syndrome. We had our "initial interview" this week and I think this huge part of me wanted to hear our doc say "No, I don't think this is a spectrum deal. Let's look more closely at ADD." I didn't hear that. What I did hear was that we need to do some formal testing and look really closely at this. Asperger's is clearly on the table. It is a real possibility that another of my children will diagnostically be placed on the autism spectrum. Do you hear the walls being ripped apart? This. Hurts.

Now, in reality, it's doesn't matter what label Paris winds up carrying around. I love my daughter. She's struggling right now and I will do any and everything in my power to make life better for her. But my power only goes so far and that's the scary part. When it comes to ASDs you can only do so much and then you just have to see how it goes. I don't like the unknowns. I don't like the life-long part. I don't like seeing my child in pain. I don't like any of this.

BUT

I do like knowing that the Master Carpenter is in control. I like knowing that though it's not easy, when I submit to His work the end product is more beautiful than I could have imagined up on my own. I like knowing that my children are His children and His love and mercy and grace are bigger than I can fathom. Yes, I know that He will see us all through no matter what the outcome of these evaluations are. The floor plan may be changing, but the temple is still His, and on the days that it feels like the floor is being ripped from beneath me I take comfort in knowing that He is simply adding a new story - a new level of our relationship. Going deeper takes digging. Remodeling often requires demolition.

Father, I submit to Your work. In me and in my children. Please give me peace as we walk this new part of the journey. Thank you Lord for not asking me to walk it alone, but carrying me along when I can't go any further. Thank you for sweet friends and an amazing family that hold me up when I am tired. I am so richly blessed Lord. I love you. Amen.

News Flash

this blog will become active again by the end of September. stay tuned..............

Rushing Water

So God is calling me in some new directions. Or maybe they are old directions that He is reminding me He wants me to go. Sorry, I'm not ready to be too specific here. What I can say is that it's kind of like standing in a river.

The river is clear and calm and the perfect temperature. You can see your bare feet if you look down. Then it rains. One of those flash flood kind of deals that you are not prepared for at all. The river isn't so clear anymore, can't see your feet. The water is moving quicker, and it's rising. Just about the time things are starting to settle something up river shifts. A change in a life that isn't your own, but touches you none the less. It's a torrential flood up there. You can see the water coming downstream. There's a lot of it. You know God is in control of it, but it looks scary. It just may wash you away. You can trust Him. He won't let you drown. Here it comes....................

Quick, grab a branch! Hold on with all you've got. Don't ever let go. Even if you survive the rapids, you don't know what lies ahead. There could be deep murky waters, or maybe drought. It's safe here. You know this river. It's never hurt you before. Just stay put.

Trust Me. I will wash your sins away. I have work for you to do. Things you can't even imagine await you. Trust Me.

But you're a weak swimmer! You can't do this on your own. You'll never make it. This is SCARY! Don't let go!

Let go and trust Me.

Friends, pray for me that I listen to the voice of my Father and not that of satan. Help me as my sweet friend Kara did tonight to let go of the that branch one finger at a time until I'm washed clean down stream into the life God has planned for me - no matter what that looks like.

So you let go. Your listen and you let go. You have faith in His provision so you let go of what is comfortable and familiar. You toss and tumble through raging waters and waterfalls. And just when you think you can't possible take another moment, there is peace. As you catch your breath and stand in the smooth crystal clear water you look back at the path you took and in it you see all the beauty of God's creation. And you know that you have been created anew in Him. Now you are free to move with the flow of the river, whereve it might take you.

Natural Disaster

This temple is flooded with tears of grief, yet the foundation sings out songs of praise.

Father, we love you.
We worship and adore you.
Glorify thy name in all the earth.




You are the one that we praise.
You are the one we adore.
You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for.

Father I don't understand but I know that You are LOVE. And your love for Brad was made complete today. I believe you work all things for good. Help me with my unbelief.

2009

Well, Happy New Year to the handful of you that still check in on this blog! I know I haven't been very good about updating here - sorry about that. So, in the spirit of reflection here is a brief catch up on the physical part of this remodel............

Total weight lost since launching this blog: 45 pounds - original goal weight acheived!

I've been working with a dear friend since May and she has really helped me learn a lot about how I eat and what changes need to be made. With her gentle guidance I have decided to drop my goal weight by another 5 pounds and I have set a "naked max." That is the maximum I allow myself to weigh when I'm naked - the way I always weigh at home.

So, here's the plan for this coming year:

Goal: 145 pounds

Naked Max: 153 pounds

Food: Continue to monitor closely both the sugar and fat content of my food. Increase fresh fruits and veggies (again). My main goal when it comes to food this year is to learn how to keep it going year round. I do REALLY well in the summer when the schedule is relaxed and I'm at home and have time to prepare food. During the school year I really struggle with maintaining good eating habits - especially since I started working 2 part-time jobs. So that's what I want to defeat this year. I realize it will take some planning and weekend prep work but I think it will be key in finalizing the changes I've already made.

Exercise: Yeah, this is still on the list. Truth is I have only exercised in spurts since beginning this journey. I believe comepletely that it is time to change that. Though I have dropped the weight I intended to drop, I do not yet feel healthy and I know it has to do with fitness and not scales. So, Easy and I are looking at some ways that we might be able to walk, and maybe run eventually, together. I do still have that treadmill in my room, I did purchase a handweight/video workout back in October, and my hubby bought me the Wii Fit for Christmas. With all of those options I should be able to do something in this category every day! But, I'm also realistic so for now I'm going to set a goal of intentional physical activity 3-4 times a week. I need your prayers for this one guys - it is the part I have never truly submitted to as an adult and I know it is crucial for my health.

Spiritual Development: I'm in a very different place than I was when I started this blog. God has not only removed physical pounds from me he has stripped away many layers of of dust, mold, and mildew that I had hiding in the dark corners of this temple. My prayer is that he continue to seek out the rooms I don't even know exist and help me create in them what He wants to see. I have to say that it has been quite striking to me to see all the pictures that have been taken in the last 3 months. The thing that jumps out at me is not how much smaller I am, but rather the look on my face. In every single picture I see peace and joy. It has truly been over 10 years since there was such consistency in the underlying peace in my life. Even in those times when I'm mad at it all I still have peace and joy - possible only through the Spirit. I pray that this year brings more of the same and that when He is ready that God will lay a path for new ministry and show me what my role is.

Clutter Control: Yeah right. No seriously, we'll just have to wait and see how thing go. I've realized I can only do so much and of all the things I started being accountable about on this blog this category is the least important. So, my goal for 2009 is simply to keep up. If I can keep my bathrooms clean and the dishes and laundry at a manageable pace then I'll be happy. And when those times come that I simply can't stand the chaos anymore I'll call on my dear friend Erika to come and help me clear it out and start over. I know not everyone can function that way, but I'm OK with it and it means more time focusing on the important stuff.

So, there you go guys. That's what I'm shooting for in 2009. I feel I should offer the obligatory "I'll post more often" promise, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep. So instead I'll just say that I'll post when I can, when the Spirit lays something on my heart that needs sharing, when I'm desparate for your prayers, and when I want to invite you to celebrate in His success. Happy New Year everyone - I pray blessing will abound in your life in 2009!

Pray for Brad

There isn't much else for me to say in this moment. Please just join us all and pray.

Still Standing

Yes, this Temple is still standing, but my foundation feels weak. Things have been tough since school started. On the physical part of this remodel I have lost another 5 pounds. I'm officially in the same size pants I wore when Easy and I tied the knot 10 years ago - though I really don't think that's an accurate measure since pants fit very different these days. The mental, emotional, and spiritual has been rough though.

I finally came to the realization that I've been blocked in my relationship with my Father and it's because I'm mad. I'm mad that this is my life right now. I'm mad that Tripp has autism. I'm mad that Paris is a drama queen and she failed her vision screen at school and might need glasses. I'm mad that Vivie still poops in her pants sometimes. I'm mad that Briley, the new dog we got for Easy, needs to be housebroken and played with a lot and that's my job. I'm mad that I need to work 2 part-time jobs just to keep my kids cared for, dressed, and in the appropriate therapies needed. I'm mad that my husband works in Houston and is gone from 6-7 evereyday - and that's really a good day. I'm mad that God wants me in this exact spot.

Somehow in admitting that I'm just plain mad - there is releif. There was a time in my past that I was mad like this. I didn't think it was OK to be mad. Certainly not OK to be mad at God. That resulted in a several year depression which led to much of the disrepair this remodel has been fixing. Today, I know it's OK to be mad. And it's OK to tell God that I'm mad. Even more amazing is the fact that I get tell God I'm mad and then ask Him to help. I can give him all my anger and He'll know what to do with it. I can pray daily that He give me spot of joy in the midst of these days that have me so infuriated. AND HE DOES.

Yesterday Tripp actually, really, truly, played with us. We were all five on the couch having an all too rare moment of family bliss and he jumped up, shout "Tripp is hiding," and ducked behind the end table. It took me a minute to catch on because it was so unexpected. After inquiring in my best playful mommy voice "Oh my! Where is Tripper?!?" he jumped up and shouted "Here he is!" It was awesome! He then proceeded to lay on the ottoman and act like a cat. Real pretending. Wow. Joy.

Thursday night Easy made dinner when he got home. Joy.

As we were leaving school Thursday Vivie said to Ms. Brandi "Bye Sooga Booga!" (Sugar booger) Hilarious joy.

Paris giggled with me as we did our very very joyful "It's Friday" chant and dance yesterday afternoon.

Last Saturday Stephanie kept my kids while Erika came and helped me clean out the kids' rooms, my dining room, kitchen, and utility room. Grateful joy.

I am indeed so very blessed. Being mad doesn't negate that. It is my prayer that everyday I can see more of the joyful blessing than the anger. I know God is leading me and that He will walk side by side or even carry me through this time. In that there is great peace. Pray for me that the peace will grow and grow until the anger is swallowed up by it.

Tired

It's been a long day. When I got to work this morning I was told that my friend Juanita had a heart attack this morning. Juanita is the secretary at our church and she makes working in the office an absolute delight. I was stunned. I went in with the rest of the office staff to spend some time in prayer. We were given a few more details and I found myself unable to speak. Within an hour of that I received the news that my friend had gone Home. She is rejoicing with angels and experiencing joy that I can't even fathom. I thank God for her life and for the ways she touched mine. And I'm sad.

As I was leaving the office I began praying in the car. All I could say is that I'm tired. I'm tired of loss. I'm tired of cancer and lung disease and hurricanes. I'm tired of migraines and autism. I'm tired of hospitals and medical bills and broken relationships. I felt myself almost ranting at my Father that I am just TIRED of this life! And then I felt His gentle quiet voice remind me that "this life" isn't what it's about. It's not about the pain and the frustration or the sadness and heartache. What it is about is remembering WHO it's about. Not me.

Father, I am so mixed up before you today. I am truly joyful that your servant Juanita is home with you. But I am sad that I will not see her perky smiling face at the office next week. I am sad for her family and I pray that we can extend your love to each of them as they deal with this loss. Help me remember that each of us who loves you will one day spend eternity with you. We will sing with angels and give you the glory that our human minds and voices cannot truly express. I love you Lord, and though I SO don't understand why there is so much pain here, I know you love us and that is what I hold on to. May your peace and love be felt by everyone that is missing their friend today. Amen.

40

40 is a big number. 40 days and 40 nights it rained on Noah and the crew of the ark. 40 years the Israelites wandered in the wilderness. And today I get to report that I've lost 40 pounds. It feels like the journey hasn't been unlike the stories mentioned above.

In the misdt of the wilderness God handed out some amazing blessings. Water from rock, manna, lights for guidance, etc... So too in the midst of this journey has He given me some amazing things. From tiny blessings like the DP being sold out at the machine when I was having a weak moment (this happened more than once!) to sending me comfort and hope as our journey with Tripp has progressed. God is faithful and though I don't think I'm truly out of the desert yet, I am not afraid because I know God will lead the way. I sort of feel today like the dove came back with a twig.

I'm also remembering that there were people occupying the promised land that had to be fought and kicked out. For far to long I've let Satan squat in my promised land. I know that he will always fight for space there. It is my daily prayer that God give me the strength and guidance to take back what He has given me. A life of peace and joy, strength and comfort, and most importantly for me in this moment is a life of confidence that God's love is never ending and His provision constant.

I know it's been a long time since I posted here. My sweet friend gave me the evil eye about that today after I weighed in and told her what I saw on the scale. So Stephanie, this post is for you. I thank you for being such a big part of my journey. For loving me all along the way, for celebrating when I celebrate (I forgive you the ugly tongue-sticking-out moment today), and for crying with me when I cry. You and your friendship are definitely one of the many blessing God has sent me.

So, if any of you still read this Remodeling effort, please know that I am, as I always will be, in a state of renovation by the Master Carpenter himself. Let it be the same with you and please pray that I stay the course God has laid out before me.

Walking News

So after my last post I got this amazing email from a friend at church that offered to let me borrow her treadmill! She brought it over yesterday and today when the kids were resting I got my walk in! I'm so excited about this because my exercise no longer depends on my kids' schedule. I can walk while they sleep - either in the afternoon or at night or if I'm feeling nuts, before they get up in the morning! I feel like this is a real solution to part of my struggle.

THANK YOU JENNY!!!!!

Struggling Through

Man has it been a week since I last wrote. Busy busy. Somewhat stressful. And I have had a migraine for the better part of the last 7 days. Today is actually much better with it really only being bad late in the afternoon. So, I kinda feel like I've just been struggling through life.

I didn't exercise at all last week. I'm having a very hard time making this part of my routine. The plan was to go on 3 walks each week - at least 20 minutes of active walking each time. I got two in the first week and none in this last week. It's more difficult than I thought to work in taking the kids for a walk when you factor in our schedule and the need to wait until it's not blistering hot outside. So, I'm thinking maybe I need a different plan. I have some workout dvd's - I could do one of those after the kids are down 3 times a week. I have to confess that I stink in this department if I don't have people to do it with. I used to go to classes at Aerofit (years agao) but I went because there was some social stuff involved and then there was also that little drive inside to be better than the person next to me. Last summer I walked a lot because I met up with friends to do it. I don't have any of that right now so I'm really struggling. Prayers please, and if any of you are willing to embarass yourself with me, let me know - maybe we could book a room and tv at the church building and do a workout video together!

Eating had been better and then I blew it. Easy and I went out last night and I ate all manner of things I shouldn't have eaten. I think I'm starting to really understand that my body is addicted to certain foods. With the headache and all I've been physically feeling bad. I realize part of that is because my body was used to xyz for fuel and now it's getting fvp instead. This week is hard. I want to throw it out the window and go get xyz again. Much like the Israelites I want to go back to the bondage. I am grateful though that I have people helping me stay accountable (that includes anyone reading this blog) and for you guys I will walk on into the dessert. I know God will satisfy me in ways I can't imagine and I put my faith in Him and not in the fast food bag.

Pray for me this week as I continue struggling through. It feels like this week is important somehow. That God is trying to weed something out of me. Please pray that I am obedient and willing to be transformed at His hand. It's His temple - He gets to decorate, and I have a feeling more than a fresh coat of paint is what He has in mind right now.