Saturday, November 22, 2008

Still Standing

Yes, this Temple is still standing, but my foundation feels weak. Things have been tough since school started. On the physical part of this remodel I have lost another 5 pounds. I'm officially in the same size pants I wore when Easy and I tied the knot 10 years ago - though I really don't think that's an accurate measure since pants fit very different these days. The mental, emotional, and spiritual has been rough though.

I finally came to the realization that I've been blocked in my relationship with my Father and it's because I'm mad. I'm mad that this is my life right now. I'm mad that Tripp has autism. I'm mad that Paris is a drama queen and she failed her vision screen at school and might need glasses. I'm mad that Vivie still poops in her pants sometimes. I'm mad that Briley, the new dog we got for Easy, needs to be housebroken and played with a lot and that's my job. I'm mad that I need to work 2 part-time jobs just to keep my kids cared for, dressed, and in the appropriate therapies needed. I'm mad that my husband works in Houston and is gone from 6-7 evereyday - and that's really a good day. I'm mad that God wants me in this exact spot.

Somehow in admitting that I'm just plain mad - there is releif. There was a time in my past that I was mad like this. I didn't think it was OK to be mad. Certainly not OK to be mad at God. That resulted in a several year depression which led to much of the disrepair this remodel has been fixing. Today, I know it's OK to be mad. And it's OK to tell God that I'm mad. Even more amazing is the fact that I get tell God I'm mad and then ask Him to help. I can give him all my anger and He'll know what to do with it. I can pray daily that He give me spot of joy in the midst of these days that have me so infuriated. AND HE DOES.

Yesterday Tripp actually, really, truly, played with us. We were all five on the couch having an all too rare moment of family bliss and he jumped up, shout "Tripp is hiding," and ducked behind the end table. It took me a minute to catch on because it was so unexpected. After inquiring in my best playful mommy voice "Oh my! Where is Tripper?!?" he jumped up and shouted "Here he is!" It was awesome! He then proceeded to lay on the ottoman and act like a cat. Real pretending. Wow. Joy.

Thursday night Easy made dinner when he got home. Joy.

As we were leaving school Thursday Vivie said to Ms. Brandi "Bye Sooga Booga!" (Sugar booger) Hilarious joy.

Paris giggled with me as we did our very very joyful "It's Friday" chant and dance yesterday afternoon.

Last Saturday Stephanie kept my kids while Erika came and helped me clean out the kids' rooms, my dining room, kitchen, and utility room. Grateful joy.

I am indeed so very blessed. Being mad doesn't negate that. It is my prayer that everyday I can see more of the joyful blessing than the anger. I know God is leading me and that He will walk side by side or even carry me through this time. In that there is great peace. Pray for me that the peace will grow and grow until the anger is swallowed up by it.


Stephanie said...

Love you and here for you when ever you need me.

Marlin said...

How is it that you and I keep being in such similar places personally, spiritually, and emotionally. I feel like I'm reading about myself.