It's going to be a long post. It's a post that is long overdue.
I've had a bit of a blogging block lately. Truth is I've had lots to say, but wasn't ready to say any of it. God has been working hard on the heart of this temple. In the last few weeks I (and my husband) have had to deal with mistakes from our past in a big way. I'm struck by how long I was just going through life hiding mistakes that added up to a large black hole. The process of facing this black hole (this would be the black hole of financial debt) has brought me closer to God. It also brought Easy and I closer together.
At this point I feel no need to expound on how we got where we are. The were mistakes made. Stupid, foolish, and prideful mistakes. That's really all that matters. Since I began this blog I have known that God was bringing me to a point of reckoning on this topic. Several months ago He released me from the burden of shame regarding this sin. That's what it is you know.....sin. He also told me to confess it. I politely ignored him. (there really is nothing polite about ignoring, is there?) So, as He always does, He let me stew a while and then brought me back to it again. He came offering blessings if only I would obey. (that's how He always works you know - He wants to bless us more than we can comprehend.......if only we will obey) It has forced Easy and me to talk about things we like to avoid. God once again reminded me that my thoughts and ideas are important and should be heard, but that my husband is the head of my household. Compromises were made. Tears were shed. In the end we were left with a plan to fill in the black hole and drive on into our future. In His infinite mercy God has given us a way to get out and move on. Thank you does not do justice to the gratitude I feel.
In going through this process I frequently thought of my brother. Not that he has any debt issues, but I know that he has been through periods in his life when he had to "come clean" about something to people he loved. For the first time I truly understand some of the torture that it is to have a secret. Did I go out of my way to hide our debt? No. But it was still a secret. Was it hurting anyone? Just us. But it was still something in my life that I knew was wrong and even though the active accumulation had stopped years ago I avoided anyone finding out. It was my dirty little secret. Confessing a big goof is hard. Telling people you love the truth knowing that it will disappoint them tremendously is amazingly difficult. At one point I even found myself asking, "What good does it do to tell them if we already have it handled?" Then the song the preschoolers at church sing went prancing through my head "I'm happy to obey, I'm happy to obey. I'll come quickly when Daddy calls. I'm happy to obey." So I picked up the phone and made the call I needed to make. Easy? no Fun? clearly not. Obedient? yes.
And now I can move on in the remodeling process. God has had me dwelling in the above described room until it was complete. I'm not foolish enough to think I will never have to give the pride room an overhaul again, but for now it has been torn down and rebuilt in the likeness of Christ. I will strive to keep it that way.
In other remodeling news........I went on my trip and came home with NO weight gained. This is a big deal for me. I usually throw it all out the window on trips like this, so to come home and still be at the 15 pound lost mark makes me happy. I was also very convicted over the weekend about the struggle I've had with exercise. Several of the speakers we heard mentioned the importance of focus. One of the speakers talked about something he does called "extreme running." Talk about focus - this man runs 30 miles like it's nothing. These little tidbits along with many others left me at the end of the weekend knowing what I need to do to start my days on the right foot.
So, here's the "new plan": I'm getting up to go jogging at 5:00 AM M-F. Now, before you fall out of your chair let me say this - many of you have met me in the last 10 years. You don't know that I used to run. I would run with my dad. (Hmmmmmm, perhaps having to be honest with him about the other deal helped bring me back to this as well-------it all seems so connected sometimes) I ran some while in college. Before Easy and I got married I met some buddies and ran 3 miles 2-3 times a week. So the running part isn't really all that shocking. As for the time of day - it makes total sense to me. Even though I have the tools and ability to work out at home with the kids, I am totally distracted while trying to do it. Thing is, I don't need to try to do it.......I need to do it. At 5:00 in the morning Easy is still home and I can hit the street with no need to have half my brain thinking about the kids. I can also go run, get home, shower, and have my quiet time before the kids are awake. Like I said, it makes perfect sense to me. I got up this morning and was surprised at how easy it was to get out of bed and put on my Asics. It's been a great day today. Starting my day off with jogging - which always leads to prayer (there's something about the rhythm of my feet that leads to open communication) - fills several needs. It helps my daily schedule, it helps my body get healthier, and it gives me time to talk with God, no distractions.
So there you go - all caught up on the remodeling that's been going on in this temple. I feel confident I will be posting regularly again now that I'm renewed, refocused, and relieved. God is so amazingly good to His children. When we find ourselves at the lowest point, He simply steps in, scoops us up, dusts us off, and gives us a level path to start on again.
Father, thank you so much for your mercy and grace. Give me the strength to continue making this temple a place you are pleased to dwell in. Give me the restraint to be a better steward of all the blessings you have given me. Let me focus on you and your plan for my life. Let pride not take root in my heart. I want to live a transparent life Lord, that way people can see right through me to you. Amen.