Saturday, October 13, 2007

My Current Truth: Part 2 - Fighting the Darkness

So, as I'm sure you can guess from Part 1 of this little series, I've been a little stressed out. Add to my concerns about Tripp the fact that Paris started the Big K, I started my new job at church, T&V both started Sonshine School and what you have is, well a lot of change and a lot of stress. I thought I was doing OK with all of it and then the last month hit.

Let me backtrack just a bit...over the last 6 months or so I've had a significant increase in migraine headaches. After experiencing the worst one of my life I decided I had to get some help and that it made no sense to just endure 1-3 of those things a week when there is help out there. I was hesitant though, because I didn't want to just get put on some kind of preventative medication. I wanted the cause to get fixed. I'm not at all interested in being told I need to put some synthetic chemical into my body every day for a potentially endless period of time. I went to my doctor - she's an internal medicine doc - and she said she wanted to do some blood work and a brainscan (CT) before we starte dany course of treatment. OK. It took 2 weeks to get all that done and the results in. One of the things she tested was my thyroid (more on this in a bit). Results: sinus drainage. Are you kidding me?!?!

In the three weeks or so since I made that original appointment I begin talking with my mom and several friends. Bottom line is, I'm concerned about my health - physical and mental. I've been down a lot. Scary down. Sit on the couch and let the kids watch TV and eat snacks for dinner because I don't have it in me to do anything else down. It hasn't been constant, but I've been down more than I've been up as of late. There are a host of other things going on that don't make sense to me. My hair is falling out. I'm holy cow tired. I've had a couple of dizzy spells. My tummy hasn't been my friend much lately. Concentration on anything is competely out of the question. So, after speaking with those mentioned above, I went back to the doctor on Friday ready to get some answers or a referral or something.

Not.

I was told that my symtpoms are just stress. Really. I was told that my thyroid is "good and normal." I'm not sure I beleive that. the TSH test results have a "normal range" of .4-4. Mine was a .6. Does that seem like it's in low range of normal to anyone but me? Doc insisted that my thyroid is fine. She said most of symptoms are those associated with stress and indicate depression. She would be happy to give me some pills, but understands if I'm not ready to do that at this point. In the meantime I am to finish my antibotics to clear the sinus infection. Turns out the the "drainage' the nurse reported to me was actually a completely occluded right sinus cavity. When I'm done with the meds they will do another scan to be sure it's clear and then we will go from there.

I was not happy with all of this, but felt like there wasn't much I could do. I didn't want to start on some anti-depressant because I felt better this week - and I don't like medicine - and surely, surely I'm not there again. I've been through a major depression before. I can't possibly be on that path again, can I? This simply must stop. I can not put my family through THAT.

Well, Friday I had a nice, honest talk with my mom over lunch and was assured that getting some medicinal help is by no means a representaion of failure. That it's possible that even though my modd was better this week, my body is manifesting all my stress with this myriad of issues. I love my mom. She is aways patient, and she waits until she thinks I'm ready to hear something before she says it. And no matter how much what she says may rock my world, I always know her heart is beating right along side mine on this journey and that her love for me will never change. She's taught me a lot about showing God's love.

Since I'm writing my current truth I must admit that my mood has tanked today. It has a lot to do with the fact that my husband got assigned a project in Midland. I dropped him at the airport on my way to church tonight. He'll be back Wednesday afternoon. Our first parent-teacher conference is tomorrow. Easy says I can call him and put him on speaker for the conference. I know he's trying, but that is so not the same as him being there. Plus that means 3 nights of stinky sleep (I don't sleep well at all when he isn't here), and three days of it being all me when it comes to the care of our children. I tried hard not make him feel bad for doing his job, but it was all I could do to keep from balling at the airport. It doesn't take much for me to burst into tears these days. (hey, that's another hallmark of depression.)

So here I sit, fighting the darkness. I would honestly love nothing more than to tuck in all my children, turn out the lights and watch junky TV. Then I'd like to sleep for a very long time and tomorrow I would like to just be alone. But that's not going to happen. Instead I will get up in the morning after not enough restful sleep and try my absolute hardest to be a good mom. To love my kids the way they deserve to be loved. To not let them sense that Mommy would really rather go crawl in a hole. To feed them, and play with them, and maybe even teach them a few things. To pray with them. To know how to answer Paris when she asks why something is different for Tripp than her (like why I bought him a bunch of calculators and her only one). To know what the best course of action is to getting my son the best possible help. And I'll try to be a good wife and not fall apart when Easy calls to check in. I'll tell the kids about how hard Daddy is working so he can take care of all of us. I'll choke back the tears so their precious little hearts don't have to feel my pain. And when the day is done I will crawl on to the couch and cry as quietly as I can so they won't hear. I'll cry and pray and beg God to make me better. To make my son better. To give me the strength to fight off the darkness that seems to close in when I least expect it. And then I'll wake up, lean on Him and try again to be the best I can be for a day.

6 comments:

Irene said...

Hey Sweet Sarah!

Stress. Hmmm. That has been the cause of many issues for me over the past 5 years or so (physical, personal, marital, emotional, spiritual). I had one psychologist tell me that I needed to take ONE HOUR DAILY to do something for just me all by myself. Shopping for groceries does not count. She said, go outside and watch the clouds, work out, listen to my favorite CD, etc... I just laughed. Really? One hour? All at once? EVERY DAY? Right! Ha!

This is a VERY tough time for you. There's so much to process and it's absolutely expected that you would be stressed to the max. You are wise to seek help from the doctor, your mom and us through posting. You are praying, we are praying. It's okay to cry and release and it's right on to keep on keeping on, one day at a time. It's okay to give yourself a break and "veg" with the kids here and there to get through the day. They are fed, you are together and you are more calm than you'd be if you'd tried to fix a "real" dinner. It's totally worth it. I love you and am praying for you. PLEASE call anytime, day or night.

Stephanie said...

Oh Sarah, I'm here if you need me. You can come cry on my couch if you need to. I will be praying for you, Easy and the kids this week. Call me if you need to. Love you.

Amber said...

Sarah,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how it feels to do the "SOLO PARENT" thing (you are not a single parent, but you are a solo parent when hubby is gone). Matt and I love you guys! Call if you need anything!

Amber

Marlin said...

Dear Friend -
"Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out." Ephesians 6:13 - 18
I think these verses are not only for you, but for anyone reading this blog. You have a responsibility to not fight alone. Stand on God's Word and get as many weapons in your arsenol as possible - doctor's opinions, wise counsel, seek God, gather much information! We too have a responsibility to you to pray for you and be present now for you and lift you up when you are having trouble standing on your own. And when the fight is all over, stand tall you will! I love you Sarah! Lara

Nellie's Nuggets said...

I love you, too, sweetheart! And I love your friends!!

debralynne said...

Please know we are praying for you. You are a WONDERFUL mother and wife. Hang in there and keep praying. God's still in the miracle working business.