Yes, this Temple is still standing, but my foundation feels weak. Things have been tough since school started. On the physical part of this remodel I have lost another 5 pounds. I'm officially in the same size pants I wore when Easy and I tied the knot 10 years ago - though I really don't think that's an accurate measure since pants fit very different these days. The mental, emotional, and spiritual has been rough though.
I finally came to the realization that I've been blocked in my relationship with my Father and it's because I'm mad. I'm mad that this is my life right now. I'm mad that Tripp has autism. I'm mad that Paris is a drama queen and she failed her vision screen at school and might need glasses. I'm mad that Vivie still poops in her pants sometimes. I'm mad that Briley, the new dog we got for Easy, needs to be housebroken and played with a lot and that's my job. I'm mad that I need to work 2 part-time jobs just to keep my kids cared for, dressed, and in the appropriate therapies needed. I'm mad that my husband works in Houston and is gone from 6-7 evereyday - and that's really a good day. I'm mad that God wants me in this exact spot.
Somehow in admitting that I'm just plain mad - there is releif. There was a time in my past that I was mad like this. I didn't think it was OK to be mad. Certainly not OK to be mad at God. That resulted in a several year depression which led to much of the disrepair this remodel has been fixing. Today, I know it's OK to be mad. And it's OK to tell God that I'm mad. Even more amazing is the fact that I get tell God I'm mad and then ask Him to help. I can give him all my anger and He'll know what to do with it. I can pray daily that He give me spot of joy in the midst of these days that have me so infuriated. AND HE DOES.
Yesterday Tripp actually, really, truly, played with us. We were all five on the couch having an all too rare moment of family bliss and he jumped up, shout "Tripp is hiding," and ducked behind the end table. It took me a minute to catch on because it was so unexpected. After inquiring in my best playful mommy voice "Oh my! Where is Tripper?!?" he jumped up and shouted "Here he is!" It was awesome! He then proceeded to lay on the ottoman and act like a cat. Real pretending. Wow. Joy.
Thursday night Easy made dinner when he got home. Joy.
As we were leaving school Thursday Vivie said to Ms. Brandi "Bye Sooga Booga!" (Sugar booger) Hilarious joy.
Paris giggled with me as we did our very very joyful "It's Friday" chant and dance yesterday afternoon.
Last Saturday Stephanie kept my kids while Erika came and helped me clean out the kids' rooms, my dining room, kitchen, and utility room. Grateful joy.
I am indeed so very blessed. Being mad doesn't negate that. It is my prayer that everyday I can see more of the joyful blessing than the anger. I know God is leading me and that He will walk side by side or even carry me through this time. In that there is great peace. Pray for me that the peace will grow and grow until the anger is swallowed up by it.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Tired
It's been a long day. When I got to work this morning I was told that my friend Juanita had a heart attack this morning. Juanita is the secretary at our church and she makes working in the office an absolute delight. I was stunned. I went in with the rest of the office staff to spend some time in prayer. We were given a few more details and I found myself unable to speak. Within an hour of that I received the news that my friend had gone Home. She is rejoicing with angels and experiencing joy that I can't even fathom. I thank God for her life and for the ways she touched mine. And I'm sad.
As I was leaving the office I began praying in the car. All I could say is that I'm tired. I'm tired of loss. I'm tired of cancer and lung disease and hurricanes. I'm tired of migraines and autism. I'm tired of hospitals and medical bills and broken relationships. I felt myself almost ranting at my Father that I am just TIRED of this life! And then I felt His gentle quiet voice remind me that "this life" isn't what it's about. It's not about the pain and the frustration or the sadness and heartache. What it is about is remembering WHO it's about. Not me.
Father, I am so mixed up before you today. I am truly joyful that your servant Juanita is home with you. But I am sad that I will not see her perky smiling face at the office next week. I am sad for her family and I pray that we can extend your love to each of them as they deal with this loss. Help me remember that each of us who loves you will one day spend eternity with you. We will sing with angels and give you the glory that our human minds and voices cannot truly express. I love you Lord, and though I SO don't understand why there is so much pain here, I know you love us and that is what I hold on to. May your peace and love be felt by everyone that is missing their friend today. Amen.
As I was leaving the office I began praying in the car. All I could say is that I'm tired. I'm tired of loss. I'm tired of cancer and lung disease and hurricanes. I'm tired of migraines and autism. I'm tired of hospitals and medical bills and broken relationships. I felt myself almost ranting at my Father that I am just TIRED of this life! And then I felt His gentle quiet voice remind me that "this life" isn't what it's about. It's not about the pain and the frustration or the sadness and heartache. What it is about is remembering WHO it's about. Not me.
Father, I am so mixed up before you today. I am truly joyful that your servant Juanita is home with you. But I am sad that I will not see her perky smiling face at the office next week. I am sad for her family and I pray that we can extend your love to each of them as they deal with this loss. Help me remember that each of us who loves you will one day spend eternity with you. We will sing with angels and give you the glory that our human minds and voices cannot truly express. I love you Lord, and though I SO don't understand why there is so much pain here, I know you love us and that is what I hold on to. May your peace and love be felt by everyone that is missing their friend today. Amen.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
40
40 is a big number. 40 days and 40 nights it rained on Noah and the crew of the ark. 40 years the Israelites wandered in the wilderness. And today I get to report that I've lost 40 pounds. It feels like the journey hasn't been unlike the stories mentioned above.
In the misdt of the wilderness God handed out some amazing blessings. Water from rock, manna, lights for guidance, etc... So too in the midst of this journey has He given me some amazing things. From tiny blessings like the DP being sold out at the machine when I was having a weak moment (this happened more than once!) to sending me comfort and hope as our journey with Tripp has progressed. God is faithful and though I don't think I'm truly out of the desert yet, I am not afraid because I know God will lead the way. I sort of feel today like the dove came back with a twig.
I'm also remembering that there were people occupying the promised land that had to be fought and kicked out. For far to long I've let Satan squat in my promised land. I know that he will always fight for space there. It is my daily prayer that God give me the strength and guidance to take back what He has given me. A life of peace and joy, strength and comfort, and most importantly for me in this moment is a life of confidence that God's love is never ending and His provision constant.
I know it's been a long time since I posted here. My sweet friend gave me the evil eye about that today after I weighed in and told her what I saw on the scale. So Stephanie, this post is for you. I thank you for being such a big part of my journey. For loving me all along the way, for celebrating when I celebrate (I forgive you the ugly tongue-sticking-out moment today), and for crying with me when I cry. You and your friendship are definitely one of the many blessing God has sent me.
So, if any of you still read this Remodeling effort, please know that I am, as I always will be, in a state of renovation by the Master Carpenter himself. Let it be the same with you and please pray that I stay the course God has laid out before me.
In the misdt of the wilderness God handed out some amazing blessings. Water from rock, manna, lights for guidance, etc... So too in the midst of this journey has He given me some amazing things. From tiny blessings like the DP being sold out at the machine when I was having a weak moment (this happened more than once!) to sending me comfort and hope as our journey with Tripp has progressed. God is faithful and though I don't think I'm truly out of the desert yet, I am not afraid because I know God will lead the way. I sort of feel today like the dove came back with a twig.
I'm also remembering that there were people occupying the promised land that had to be fought and kicked out. For far to long I've let Satan squat in my promised land. I know that he will always fight for space there. It is my daily prayer that God give me the strength and guidance to take back what He has given me. A life of peace and joy, strength and comfort, and most importantly for me in this moment is a life of confidence that God's love is never ending and His provision constant.
I know it's been a long time since I posted here. My sweet friend gave me the evil eye about that today after I weighed in and told her what I saw on the scale. So Stephanie, this post is for you. I thank you for being such a big part of my journey. For loving me all along the way, for celebrating when I celebrate (I forgive you the ugly tongue-sticking-out moment today), and for crying with me when I cry. You and your friendship are definitely one of the many blessing God has sent me.
So, if any of you still read this Remodeling effort, please know that I am, as I always will be, in a state of renovation by the Master Carpenter himself. Let it be the same with you and please pray that I stay the course God has laid out before me.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Walking News
So after my last post I got this amazing email from a friend at church that offered to let me borrow her treadmill! She brought it over yesterday and today when the kids were resting I got my walk in! I'm so excited about this because my exercise no longer depends on my kids' schedule. I can walk while they sleep - either in the afternoon or at night or if I'm feeling nuts, before they get up in the morning! I feel like this is a real solution to part of my struggle.
THANK YOU JENNY!!!!!
THANK YOU JENNY!!!!!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Struggling Through
Man has it been a week since I last wrote. Busy busy. Somewhat stressful. And I have had a migraine for the better part of the last 7 days. Today is actually much better with it really only being bad late in the afternoon. So, I kinda feel like I've just been struggling through life.
I didn't exercise at all last week. I'm having a very hard time making this part of my routine. The plan was to go on 3 walks each week - at least 20 minutes of active walking each time. I got two in the first week and none in this last week. It's more difficult than I thought to work in taking the kids for a walk when you factor in our schedule and the need to wait until it's not blistering hot outside. So, I'm thinking maybe I need a different plan. I have some workout dvd's - I could do one of those after the kids are down 3 times a week. I have to confess that I stink in this department if I don't have people to do it with. I used to go to classes at Aerofit (years agao) but I went because there was some social stuff involved and then there was also that little drive inside to be better than the person next to me. Last summer I walked a lot because I met up with friends to do it. I don't have any of that right now so I'm really struggling. Prayers please, and if any of you are willing to embarass yourself with me, let me know - maybe we could book a room and tv at the church building and do a workout video together!
Eating had been better and then I blew it. Easy and I went out last night and I ate all manner of things I shouldn't have eaten. I think I'm starting to really understand that my body is addicted to certain foods. With the headache and all I've been physically feeling bad. I realize part of that is because my body was used to xyz for fuel and now it's getting fvp instead. This week is hard. I want to throw it out the window and go get xyz again. Much like the Israelites I want to go back to the bondage. I am grateful though that I have people helping me stay accountable (that includes anyone reading this blog) and for you guys I will walk on into the dessert. I know God will satisfy me in ways I can't imagine and I put my faith in Him and not in the fast food bag.
Pray for me this week as I continue struggling through. It feels like this week is important somehow. That God is trying to weed something out of me. Please pray that I am obedient and willing to be transformed at His hand. It's His temple - He gets to decorate, and I have a feeling more than a fresh coat of paint is what He has in mind right now.
I didn't exercise at all last week. I'm having a very hard time making this part of my routine. The plan was to go on 3 walks each week - at least 20 minutes of active walking each time. I got two in the first week and none in this last week. It's more difficult than I thought to work in taking the kids for a walk when you factor in our schedule and the need to wait until it's not blistering hot outside. So, I'm thinking maybe I need a different plan. I have some workout dvd's - I could do one of those after the kids are down 3 times a week. I have to confess that I stink in this department if I don't have people to do it with. I used to go to classes at Aerofit (years agao) but I went because there was some social stuff involved and then there was also that little drive inside to be better than the person next to me. Last summer I walked a lot because I met up with friends to do it. I don't have any of that right now so I'm really struggling. Prayers please, and if any of you are willing to embarass yourself with me, let me know - maybe we could book a room and tv at the church building and do a workout video together!
Eating had been better and then I blew it. Easy and I went out last night and I ate all manner of things I shouldn't have eaten. I think I'm starting to really understand that my body is addicted to certain foods. With the headache and all I've been physically feeling bad. I realize part of that is because my body was used to xyz for fuel and now it's getting fvp instead. This week is hard. I want to throw it out the window and go get xyz again. Much like the Israelites I want to go back to the bondage. I am grateful though that I have people helping me stay accountable (that includes anyone reading this blog) and for you guys I will walk on into the dessert. I know God will satisfy me in ways I can't imagine and I put my faith in Him and not in the fast food bag.
Pray for me this week as I continue struggling through. It feels like this week is important somehow. That God is trying to weed something out of me. Please pray that I am obedient and willing to be transformed at His hand. It's His temple - He gets to decorate, and I have a feeling more than a fresh coat of paint is what He has in mind right now.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Better Late then Never
Hello out there! If you want to read about a tiny bit of "process" stuff hop over to Sarah Station. You'll see that I'm still learning the little lessons in life.........
As for the exterior remodeling I have quite a bit to tell you. I've begun meeting with some friends to help me navigate this area. I wonderful friend that God dropped into my life back in September (Love you LK!!) has been on quite a journey to allow God to defeat a food addiction in her life. She has lost over 100 lbs since her journey began. She has taken this wonderful blessing and used it to help others. She is now meeting with me and two other ladies to walk us through what became her "program" (if you really need to call it something). It's food education, Bible study,exercise, accountability in a big way, and support group all rolled into one.
Today was our 3rd meeting. The first week we just talked about where her journey has taken her and what we want to accomplish. Our home work was to keep a food diary for the next week. That was ugly. On week 2 we weighed in and measured. That was ugly too. We also got the beginnings of our personalized plan for food and exercise. The food diary will continue indefinitely - talk about accountability! In one week I have learned that even though I am eating WAY healthier than I was 18 months ago, the proportion of fat in my diet is way too high and the amount of veggies is way too low. I've also learned that I don't eat enough "carbs" and that could be contributing to my fatigue and hairloss! I had no idea. So I'm learning new ways to put in Gluten Free carb/starches. It looks like potatoes will be back in my diet - just not the fried variety! (if you have a great potatoe recipe that doesn't involve cream or frying, send it my way!)
Today we weighed in and with one week off of DP and watching my consumption of food I dropped 7 lbs. Trust me, that's water weight. I told LK that she would never again see that kind of drop in a week's time and she assured me that if she did we would need to make some changes because it wouldn't be healthy. I am my mother's daughter and we do retain a lot of water so I'm 99% confident that at least 5 of those pounds was fluid. I never thought I would pray for slow loss, but that is my goal. I want this Temple to be physically sound and shrinking it too fast would not be good.
So, there you go. I'm on track, learning new things, unlearning old things, and incredibly grateful that I have LK and our group to walk this part of my journey with.
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 136:1
As for the exterior remodeling I have quite a bit to tell you. I've begun meeting with some friends to help me navigate this area. I wonderful friend that God dropped into my life back in September (Love you LK!!) has been on quite a journey to allow God to defeat a food addiction in her life. She has lost over 100 lbs since her journey began. She has taken this wonderful blessing and used it to help others. She is now meeting with me and two other ladies to walk us through what became her "program" (if you really need to call it something). It's food education, Bible study,exercise, accountability in a big way, and support group all rolled into one.
Today was our 3rd meeting. The first week we just talked about where her journey has taken her and what we want to accomplish. Our home work was to keep a food diary for the next week. That was ugly. On week 2 we weighed in and measured. That was ugly too. We also got the beginnings of our personalized plan for food and exercise. The food diary will continue indefinitely - talk about accountability! In one week I have learned that even though I am eating WAY healthier than I was 18 months ago, the proportion of fat in my diet is way too high and the amount of veggies is way too low. I've also learned that I don't eat enough "carbs" and that could be contributing to my fatigue and hairloss! I had no idea. So I'm learning new ways to put in Gluten Free carb/starches. It looks like potatoes will be back in my diet - just not the fried variety! (if you have a great potatoe recipe that doesn't involve cream or frying, send it my way!)
Today we weighed in and with one week off of DP and watching my consumption of food I dropped 7 lbs. Trust me, that's water weight. I told LK that she would never again see that kind of drop in a week's time and she assured me that if she did we would need to make some changes because it wouldn't be healthy. I am my mother's daughter and we do retain a lot of water so I'm 99% confident that at least 5 of those pounds was fluid. I never thought I would pray for slow loss, but that is my goal. I want this Temple to be physically sound and shrinking it too fast would not be good.
So, there you go. I'm on track, learning new things, unlearning old things, and incredibly grateful that I have LK and our group to walk this part of my journey with.
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever. Psalm 136:1
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Quick Post
I didn't want to skip my detail post, but I'm hectic today so this will be brief.
I few not so good days on food. Saturday I was at the beach with Easy all day for a work function and I drank DP almost all day. I had some egg rolls from Jack in the Box as well. Other than that I've done pretty good on food and I even had a few days with NO DP!! Today was a splurge lunch. My mom surprised me with her two best gal pals and they drove up from B-town to sit it in on the class I taught this morning. We all went to Wings N More for lunch . I'm not used to the fried food and my tummy is already revolting!
Exercise - still just chasing the kids around. Next week begins our actual summer schedule so I'm planning to start adding in some exercise time.
The house is staying pretty picked up and we even got Paris' room all cleaned! I've got my chores divided out so I'm definitely doing better in the clutter control category.
And lastly - I taught LBC this morning on the first chapter of Soul Feast. I think it went well. It was A LOT of material to cover and I hope I didn't leave folks feeling like they'd been talked at when it was done. I tried to work in some discussion questions, but it was a little challenging because no one in the class (except my mom) had read the chapter yet - the books won'tbe in until later this week! It was a real treat to have my mom, Nana, Bren and ML there. I was a little anxious as class got started, but the further we went the slower my heartbeat and I relaxed and did my best.
So - all in all I think an OK week on this journey! Oh, and I lost 2 pounds. Have a good week!
I few not so good days on food. Saturday I was at the beach with Easy all day for a work function and I drank DP almost all day. I had some egg rolls from Jack in the Box as well. Other than that I've done pretty good on food and I even had a few days with NO DP!! Today was a splurge lunch. My mom surprised me with her two best gal pals and they drove up from B-town to sit it in on the class I taught this morning. We all went to Wings N More for lunch . I'm not used to the fried food and my tummy is already revolting!
Exercise - still just chasing the kids around. Next week begins our actual summer schedule so I'm planning to start adding in some exercise time.
The house is staying pretty picked up and we even got Paris' room all cleaned! I've got my chores divided out so I'm definitely doing better in the clutter control category.
And lastly - I taught LBC this morning on the first chapter of Soul Feast. I think it went well. It was A LOT of material to cover and I hope I didn't leave folks feeling like they'd been talked at when it was done. I tried to work in some discussion questions, but it was a little challenging because no one in the class (except my mom) had read the chapter yet - the books won'tbe in until later this week! It was a real treat to have my mom, Nana, Bren and ML there. I was a little anxious as class got started, but the further we went the slower my heartbeat and I relaxed and did my best.
So - all in all I think an OK week on this journey! Oh, and I lost 2 pounds. Have a good week!
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