Wednesday Weekly

I think Wednesday will be my progress report day. So let's see........I've quit buying DP to keep at the house so I would say my consumption has been cut by 1/2-2/3. I have had NO fast food since my last post! The thought of a greasy burger is gross at the moment. I'm praying it stays that way. I haven't done any exercise other than chasing my kids around. I'm looking forward to next week as the amount of time I'm in the car will drop quite a bit with school out. I have been keeping my house picked up. If you'll recall, Clutter Control was one of my original tracking categories. It is a much more peaceful house when you aren't bombarded by the colors of all those toys on the floor! I did splurge on Monday and ate some cookies. I made GF cookies so the kids could have a treat when we went over to play at a friend's house. Oh, and Easy and I have been eating fresh pineapple the last couple of nights.....dipped in chocolate fruit dip. Not the best, not the worst. I've started preparing for our summer LBC - we're using the book Soul Feast and I'm leading the first class. Most everyone won't have read it yet so I'll be doing more teaching than facilitating like I'm used to doing.

As to how I'm feeling....a little stressed as P & T only have two more days of school. We'll have a week of transition before our new summer schedule starts so I'm a little anxious for T. I hope he adjusts well. I'm also a little stressed becaus LBC starts on Wednesday and I'm still short babysitters. We have this great group of ladies coming - that means lots of kids! Please be in prayer that sitters respond quickly! I guess that's it for now. Oh, I lost 3.5 pounds. Can we say water weight? I'll take it though! Have a good week!

Honesty

If you know me well at all then you know that The Princess Bride is absolutley one of my favortie movies. I can typically quote from it without hesitation, but this morning my brain is muddled by a migraine so I will summarize instead. At some point in the film Indigo Montoya (I have no idea if that's how you spell that) speaks about going back to the beginning. When the plan has gone awry and you don't know where to go....go back to the beginning. Fezik (again - spelling?), his giant friend finds him there stumbling drunk and sets about sobering him up so they can get on with the noble mission in front of them....saving the princess from marriage to the not so nice prince.

If I'm going to be honest, and that's why I started this blog, then I need to own that today I am Indigo Montoya. No, I'm not stumbling drunk, but I have over the last 6 months reverted to some habits that are unacceptable when it comes to the care of this temple. So here's the really honest part........

Did any of you notice that the "3 pound bubble" I was in mysteriously grew to a "5 pound bubble?" Well, unless I'm going to call it a 10 pound bubble it's time to own the fact that I've put back on about 10 pounds. I have no doubts about how this happened. Mass quantities of DP and fast food and even a few candy bars! Last night Cherry Jackson talked a little about when we try to fill up with things other than God. That's what I've been doing for 6 months. I quit putting the Word in first and that left me empty. So instead of filling up on the Bread of Life I said I was too hectic and busy so I ate junk instead trying to ease the growing stress in my life.

Guess what - it didn't work. So it's time to go back to the beginning. I don't want to bore those of you who still read this with the details of my daily eating and activity, so instead I will be posting weekly as to my progress. I want to use this blog to write about the process, but I know I need to report the progress too so the details get one post a week and the process gets whatever else I write.

So, as I step back onto the path I veered off of all I ask is that you pray for me. I've said in the past few months that I need help - asked my friends to help "kick my butt into gear." But the truth is that this is between me and my Creator and only He can accomlish in me what needs to be done. So please pray that I am submissive to His work. That I see my fleshly desires for what they are and that when Satan's lies (in the form of negative thoughts/self talk regarding my worth) creep in that I call on Christ to remove them. I'm in tears as I write today friends. Not because I'm sad or upset really, but more because I'm sorry. I'm sorry that instead of going to God I chose to get "stumbling drunk." I ask for His forgiveness and I ask for yours.

Cliff's Edge

I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. And no, not the cliffs of insanity (movie reference anyone?). Though I have to admit sometimes it feels like that's the best descriptor for me. Rather, I'm standing here looking out of a vast ocean of possibilty. An ocean of purpose and dreams. An ocean of blessings. It's beautiful. And I'm terrified of the ocean. I do not have confidence in my abilities to swim in such deep waters. And there are sharks out there you know. And jelly fish. Did I mention that I'm terrified of the ocean?

So how did I get here? Well, I followed God. He's been taking me on a journey. He helped me shed some dead weight on the trek to this point. He's taught me many lessons about control, and patience, and His divine plan. He has shared priceless insight with me in moments where I thought I could not possibly take on more step. He's let me stumble on some rocks, but He has always picked me up and helped me keep moving. And then I got to the cliff's edge and I stopped.

I'm not here alone. My children and husband and friends and family are with me. Some of them keep pointing to the ocean and gently reminding me that I'm supposed to jump in. I'm ignoring them. I'm busy chasing my kids around trying to keep them safe. We are, afterall on the edge of a cliff. I managed to bring a lawnchair on the journey, so part of my time is spent just sitting here - looking out at that body of water, breeze on my face, and I think......"It's nice here. I could stay here quite a while."

And then my lawnchair gets bumped from behind. I look. No, it wasn't one of my kids. There is nothing there. Then I here the quiet voice.

"Jump in, I won't let you drown. There are beautiful things for you to see. There are beautiful people for you to meet. I have work for you there. Please jump in."

I can ignore that for a while, right?

"Sarah, jump in. You are safe with me."

Still ignoring.

"You can jump in this ocean with me, full of purpose and promise, and blessings you can't even fathom. Or I can throw you in a sea that will serve only to remind you that you can't swim without me. I will let you sputter and flail until you remember that I am God and I love you. When you remember who I am, and you call out my name I will be there. And as I scoop you out of that swirling sea you will know me - and then we can go swimming together. The choice is yours."

Seems like it's an easy choice, right? Yet for some reason I stand here paralyzed in the chaos that seems to be my daily life. My head knows it's time to get wet. My heart longs for the freedom to jump in with abandon and see all God has in store. But my feet are stuck to the ground. Perhaps Satan is sitting on them. Yep, there he is. He tied my laces together so I'm afraid to take a step and he's on my back whispering in my ear all the fears and failures I've ever known. And he's so convincing.
In fact, he's so convincing that this doesn't feel like a choice at all. It feels like this is all I can do. Sit here. Looking out at the ocean. Terrified to jump in.

Abandoned Buildings

Have you ever seen an abandoned building? Not one that's all boarded up like it was condemned or left because of something terrible, but one that looks like one day everyone just left. The structure still looks the same, the foundation is still there, it's just empty. Maybe it's starting to look a little dirty. Cobwebs and wasp nests are starting to become visible. It's dark. It's empty. Void of life.

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately. Like this temple is empty. Nothing happening. No progress. No growth. It's like I've just been sitting here gathering dust.

It's started bothering me a few weeks ago, but I honestly haven't had the energy or motivation to start sweeping out the cobwebs. Then we had book club last night. My precious sisters helped me remember the truth........

This temple is NEVER abandoned. The Holy Spirit lives here! So what's with the darkness and cobwebs? Well, the Sarah part of the temple cut the power off a few months ago. What happens to a house with no power? It gets hot and dirty and uncomfortable and no one wants to live there. What an amazing thing that the Spirit would dwell in a place that I made so uncomfortable. To think I am so loved is, well, hard to imagine.

So why did I cut the power? I let myself get busy. I got busy and started listening to Satan and his long list of excuses for why I wasn't taking the time to plug in to my Power Source. It included things like "I'm too tired" and "I'm responsible for so much that I deserve time to rest." How did I rest? TV. Stinky, useless, tool of Satan TV. and...........Food. Sweets to be exact.


Here's another amazing gift - God has protected me from my own sin. I have indulged, I have given in to the cravings of a food addict - yet God has kept me from defeat on the scale. He has allowed my defeat of spirit to remind me that I can not do this (this being any and every thing!) without His power, but He has protected me from "yet another failure" on the scale. Isn't God amazing?

So, here I am. I started this remodeling effort a year ago. Right now I feel in some ways much like I did then. Ready to make a change. The difference is that right now I can look back at the last twelve months and see exaclty how much God accomplished in me. Yesterday morning I felt defeated by the stagnation in my "downsizing." (seriously, I've been in the same 5 pound bubble since Thanksgiving) My friends helped me realize though that this isn't failure - it was me measuring on my time and my abilities. So today I am joyous and grateful for the work God has done in me and I will submit again and again to His demolition and rebuilding so that He can create me anew.

Father - Thank you for this journey. Thank you for all the success you have carried to fruition. Thank you for sisters that are willing to call me out when I need it. Thank you for living in a hot, dirty, stinky temple and waiting for me to realize I need to turn the power back on. Lord today I ask that you fill me light. Let your breath blow the dust and cobwebs out of every corner. Show me the inner rooms of this temple that need to be cleaned out and even closed off. Shine the light of your love in every nook and crany so the faults are visible and can be restored by you. I love Lord and I am so sorry I unplugged from you. Thank you for reminding me that I am absolutely incapable without you. Lead me Lord - I will follow.

Refueled and Catching Up

I know it's been way too long since I posted. Forgive me. I've been a bit busy adjusting to our new routines and trying to get caught up on things around here. We've been fighting off sickness and well, truth is, I've been in a writing funk. I'm ready to get through it though so I figured this was the best place to start.

My last post expressed how I was feeling before I went to the National WOF conference. Let me just say that God is good and God is faithful. I came back from that weekend ready to get moving on all fronts. I heard countless speakers - all of which had some nugget of truth that encouraged and inspired me- and was uplifted by some tremendous musical talent. I think that best part for me was being refilled with love - in particular, love for my Smooch! When I left town my prayer was that I could get some rest, both physical and mental, and that I could come back home with a more positive attitude towards my sweet hubby. I have to say that really none of the speakers spoke to this particular need. But God is so faithful. Somewhere in the midst of being encouraged in this journey with Tripp and inspired to move forward in this writing/teaching path, I was completey filled with the realization that my husband is a gift from God. (It helps that at one point when I called to check in he was cleaning the microwave! And no, he hadn't made a mess in it, he was just cleaning it because it needed cleaning.) I left my pity party behind and came home so grateful and happy to have such a wonderful man leading my family. He is a gift and I cherish him daily.

So, what have I accomplished since I got back? Not enough, but I'm making progress. Here's the bullet update:

Excercise: not happening

Food: It was bad for a while before I left, but is definitely getting better. We have made the gluten free tansition at home. I think I just need to make that a complete mental shift for those times when I'm out running around -boils down to NO MORE FAST FOOD!

Writing/Teaching: I taught another Wednesday night class last week. I was a bit frenzied from the day's schedule so I thought the lesson came out disjointed. I received a lot of positive feedback though so I'm marking it up - as always - to God doing His work despite me! I'm scheduled to teach two lessons for morning ladies' class in March so I need to get going preparing for those. I also had a friend ask me if she could give my name to a church looking for someone to speak for a weekend retreat. I told her, "I'm supposed to say yes even though that scares me." Don't know if that will turn into anything, but even agreeing to let my name get thrown in the pile is an accomplishment to me.

Clutter Control: Finally making some progress here. I actually got in Paris' room with her yesterday and cleaned it up! Seriously, that hasn't happened since Christmas! I was very proud of her - she chose lots of things that should just get thrown out, given to Vivie, and even a whole bin of stuff to garage sale! There were a few tears, but overall it was a great success. I've also cleaned out her closet as well as Vivie's closet. I've been through all the 24M/2T clothes and have them ready for Spring/Summer. I even got the stuff they've outgrown sorted and bagged for either garage sale, save for later, and give to Lindsay (a friend that I send our "pass arounds" to). Now I need to find a way to get some furniture painted so I can get the craft stuff organized.

So, there you have it folks. I have been refueled by my Father and am catching up on things around here. This Temple Remodel feels like it's been on hold for a while, but I think the real truth is that God's been working on some inner rooms while the exterior took a break. His work is always more beautiful than mine so even though I've felt frustrated I realize that the "end product" will be more than I can imagine because I'm letting him guide the process. Have a good week and don't forget to let God be your Project Manager!

In Need of Healing

That is the best way to describe me at the moment. I'm in need of some R&R. Some divine water to quench my soul. Food from the Father to refuel my weary body. And I will get quite a bit of that this weekend at the Women of Faith conference!

Last week I found myself at the doctor with chest pain. That will certainly make you sit up and pay attention. Truth is, I'd had this pain before - off and on over the last 6 years or so. It always came after having a baby and/or while breastfeeding on of those babies. Well, last Wednesday morning sometime before 6:00 am I tried to roll over in bed and felt this horrible pain in my chest. It stayed with me all day Wednesday and since I couldn't tie it to childbearing or nursing this time I figured I better get it checked out. I fessed up to my Smooch that I was in pain and going to the doctor the next day. That's the scary news. The good news is that it is absolutely nothing cardiac related at all. I have costochondritis. There is a lot of inflammation where my upper right-side ribs join the breastbone. Nothing major, just painful. So I've been on a bunch of meds ranging from steroids to muscle relaxers and I have to ice my chest (except it's really like icing my boob) daily. It's getting better, but today was a busy day and I can feel it. That accounts for the weary body.

My soul is thirsty as well. I have been doing some good things. I taught that Wednesday night class and the following week I taught Wednesday morning class. We had a good book club meeting and I'm excited to start reading our next book when it comes in this week. I have been praying A LOT. I think I'm just learning in a whole new way how much I NEED God. Yesterday I called on Him in desparation to please remove the fear and anxiety that was consuming me and replace it with His peace and strength so I could get through Tripp's ARD. He is faithful. We made it through and things are looking really good. You'll have to go to Monkey Dance if you want more details.

Today I am relieved and deflated. Last week I made the comment that my tanks were feeling a little empty. If last week was empty I'm just running on fumes right now. I look forward to a weekend of renewal with friends, family, sisters, and most importantly, my Father. Until I return.........

Teaching Tonight

So, the big night has arrived. Satan has been trying hard to keep me distracted from the task at hand. In about 5 hours I will be teaching the Women Encouraging Women class at church. I wish I could say I've spent my week preparing, but I've actually spent my week caring for my kids. Paris & Tripp have the flu. Paris has the worst of it. She actually had 105 temp last night! Not fun. Tripp seems to be doing better today. No fever so far. But, despite the sickness abounding in my home, I'm going to teach class tonight. Easy is coming home to watch the kids so I can go. He called earlier and said he wasn't feeling so good so it looks like he might be coming down with it. I think Satan really wanted me to bail, but it's not happening. I'm excited and nervous and mostly I just don't want to trip and fall or burp in the middle of my lesson. Say a prayer for me friends - it's a first step in a new part of the journey!