First, let me say thank you for all your prayers and support. I am much better today than in my last post. We lost our Internet service when the big storm came through Tuesday night and just got it back yesterday. So, I haven't been wallering (you know, like a pig wallers in the mud?) around in defeat all week, I've just been unplugged.
Eating has been OK. Not my best few days, but most certainly not my worst. It is clear, however, that my emotions weigh far to heavily in my food choices. Seriously, when you have a day like I did on Tuesday, who wants grilled chicken and salad? Not me! I actually even ate a bowl of ice cream last night. I convinced myself it was to soothe my scratchy throat. Oh the lies I tell myself!
Exercise hasn't been at all. Between doctor appointments and trying to maintain sanity it just hasn't happened. I think I am lacking more in this area than in others right now and I know self-discipline is what is needed. Good thing self-control is part of the Fruit of the Spirit!
Clutter Control has consisted of not returning to the chaos that preceded Viv's party and keeping up with laundry. Today I have to de-clutter my suburban so I can pick up some friends for the ladies' retreat. (I'll be gone tonight and tomorrow)
Spiritual Development.....as always, God is so good. Although Satan tried hard to take advantage of my down spirits on Tuesday, God worked through some friends to help pull me up so I'm at least doggy-paddling again! A special thank you to Kara who reminded me that God made Tripp exactly the way he is so there is clearly nothing "wrong" with him. She also reminded me that on my knees is where I will find the answers I'm searching for. Another thank you to my mom who was able to help me make sense of the MANY quirky thing Tripp does enough to at least help me put together a more coherent list of "concerns" to go talk to the doctor about. (In case you are wondering, this goes beyond just the poop thing. Tripp has other "habits" that can be a little concerning when in context with all his other behaviors) And lastly, another thank you to Irene for talking to me like the intelligent person I know I am (not the helpless lump I felt like on Tuesday) and reminding me that I take good care of my children and I am not going to "screw up" (my words, not hers) my son.
On top of all that, God did some more work on me. I can only imagine that He must have thought, "Since I have you here on your knees regarding your son, let's go ahead and work on this other issue you are having." Perhaps even thinking He better hit me while He had my attention, since it could be a while before I humbled myself and admitted my total dependence on him again. So, he took me to Luke 15. The Prodigal Son. It was the passage in my quiet time yesterday, and then when I read in my Sheila Walsh book she focused on the same passage! What I learned was that even though I started my journey home several years ago, and even though God ran to me and carried my all the way home, I've been stopping the party. My refusal to let go of sins and mistakes and stinkin' thinkin' regarding forgiveness and worthiness has delayed a celebration. So, today, I say get the party started! I realized that God forgave me so long ago that holding on has only kept me from participating in the party of my life. I've got my dancin' shoes on now though and I'm ready to be free. I know I'll probably get some blisters on my feet along the way, but it's time to stop putting God in a box and let Him have the celebration He wants to. A celebration that I am worthy of because of the blood of Christ. He has washed me cleaned and clothed my in a pure white wedding gown. I am humbled and grateful and baffled and a wee bit excited. The only thing that makes a party better is friends, so I hope some of you can join me as I learn to embrace the celebration I never thought I deserved.
And one last blessing before I go. I had to put my suburban in the shop thinking it was going to be a HUGE bill when it was all better. In reality it was less than $200. God blesses in the details and I'm starting to see it's all part of the celebration. I'll be gone to the retreat so I won't post until Sunday. Have a great weekend!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Defeated
That's how I feel today. It was a really rough night. Viv didn't settle into sleep until nearly 2:00 this morning. She woke up with an ear and eye infection. I didn't go walk because I took her to the doctor for her well-check that turned into a "sick appointment." This afternoon Tripp played with his poop again. Paris is apparently incapable of speaking in any way other than a crying whine. I haven't had a shower. We have people coming to our house at 8:00 for a meeting. I have no plan for dinner.
Consumption: Has been so-so. We've had party food left-overs in the house so I've been eating on that. Not the healthiest, but I have been waiting on hunger.
Exercise: Went for a family walk on Sunday.
Clutter Control: Easy and I got things pretty cleaned up for Viv's party on Saturday. I'm managing to keep up fairly well in the kitchen. It's nice to see my countertops for a change!
Spiritual Development: Still reading through Luke in my morning quiet time. I did spend some time in my Sheila Walsh book yesterday while the kids were playing outside. It was nice to sit on the back porch and enjoy some of God's creation. Tripp particularly like the mud (which resembles poop, maybe there's a connection).
Please pray for me that I can keep my head above the water. Most of the time I feel like I'm just treading water, but in the last few weeks I've actually made some forward strokes. Today I feel like all that's sticking out is my nose and it's getting splashed. I know I should probably relax. All this thrashing about will only attract sharks. I know if I relax that God will not only keep me afloat, he can lift me right up. Pray that I remember that in the hard moments.
Consumption: Has been so-so. We've had party food left-overs in the house so I've been eating on that. Not the healthiest, but I have been waiting on hunger.
Exercise: Went for a family walk on Sunday.
Clutter Control: Easy and I got things pretty cleaned up for Viv's party on Saturday. I'm managing to keep up fairly well in the kitchen. It's nice to see my countertops for a change!
Spiritual Development: Still reading through Luke in my morning quiet time. I did spend some time in my Sheila Walsh book yesterday while the kids were playing outside. It was nice to sit on the back porch and enjoy some of God's creation. Tripp particularly like the mud (which resembles poop, maybe there's a connection).
Please pray for me that I can keep my head above the water. Most of the time I feel like I'm just treading water, but in the last few weeks I've actually made some forward strokes. Today I feel like all that's sticking out is my nose and it's getting splashed. I know I should probably relax. All this thrashing about will only attract sharks. I know if I relax that God will not only keep me afloat, he can lift me right up. Pray that I remember that in the hard moments.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Cath Up (sort of)
I realized this morning that I haven't posted in several days. Something occurred to me as I was fussing at myself for not doing so. It seems that each day I do well in one or two (three and a really good day) areas and sort of not so good in the others. I'm wondering if that's OK. IS it possible for me to do well in ALL areas in one day. I know the answer is yes if I'm pulling from the source of power that dwells in me. Maybe I just haven't figured out yet how to be dependent on Him. I tend to take over and do things myself. Anyway here's how I've been doing:
Consumption: The eating has been pretty good. I'm remembering now how frequently I eat little bits if I'm truly waiting for hunger and stopping at full. I had two days that I felt like I ate ALL day and was shocked the next morning to wake up and have a full-on tummy growl before 9:00 am! Hydration has been pitiful. I've had a scratchy throat (sinus yuck) so it doesn't feel good to drink much. I can tell however that it's effecting me because my rings are tight. It always amazes me how quickly I can start retaining fluid, and then how quickly I can loose it if I actually hydrate myself well.
Exercise: I walked another 3 laps at the mall with Kara & Stephanie on Thursday.
Clutter Control: It's been in spurts. I've done a lot of laundry, taken in some more shorts so they don't fall off my children. I cleaned out some of the baby implements from my kitchen to send down to me brother and his wife. (my nephew will be here very soon!!!) I monogrammed some little pouches my friend Erika made for me so I can switch to on BIG tote for the summer and still have the kid's stuff organized. I emptied, cleaned, and refilled the fish tank so Paris can get some new guppies next weekend. I've barely kept up with the kitchen. Oh, and I washed all the car seats - they were gross.
Spiritual Development: I've been in Luke all week. Chapters 10-13 mostly. I've been very convicted about the thinking on material issues deal. It's hard sometime because from a business perspective we are taught over and over to set goals, have a picture of your dream where you can see it, think about what you want to achieve as often as possible. Even in counseling I was taught to help people set goals that are physical, measurable, tangible even. It's hard to put those thoughts together without focusing on material things. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting goal in that manner. If you don't have a measurable goal, how can you tell if you're making progress? I guess the issue I'm having is figuring out how that all goes together with what I'm getting from scripture this week. All that material stuff doesn't matter. What I truly want is to lead a Spirit led life. Ultimately I want to go home and here my Father say "well done good and faithful servant." I know that Gos puts dreams in my heart. I truly believe he was in charge of the house I'm sitting in from day one. I'm just not sure what to do with my thoughts. It's so easy to get preoccupied by the things here on earth that we forget to focus on what's really important - growing the Kingdom of God. It really sounds like I'm bashing the concept of seeking financial growth, and that's not my intent. I'm just trying to figure out how these concepts should for me in my life. What is it exactly God wants me to be doing right now? Hmmm.........I better go, I'm meeting a friend for coffee this morning (all by myself!).
Consumption: The eating has been pretty good. I'm remembering now how frequently I eat little bits if I'm truly waiting for hunger and stopping at full. I had two days that I felt like I ate ALL day and was shocked the next morning to wake up and have a full-on tummy growl before 9:00 am! Hydration has been pitiful. I've had a scratchy throat (sinus yuck) so it doesn't feel good to drink much. I can tell however that it's effecting me because my rings are tight. It always amazes me how quickly I can start retaining fluid, and then how quickly I can loose it if I actually hydrate myself well.
Exercise: I walked another 3 laps at the mall with Kara & Stephanie on Thursday.
Clutter Control: It's been in spurts. I've done a lot of laundry, taken in some more shorts so they don't fall off my children. I cleaned out some of the baby implements from my kitchen to send down to me brother and his wife. (my nephew will be here very soon!!!) I monogrammed some little pouches my friend Erika made for me so I can switch to on BIG tote for the summer and still have the kid's stuff organized. I emptied, cleaned, and refilled the fish tank so Paris can get some new guppies next weekend. I've barely kept up with the kitchen. Oh, and I washed all the car seats - they were gross.
Spiritual Development: I've been in Luke all week. Chapters 10-13 mostly. I've been very convicted about the thinking on material issues deal. It's hard sometime because from a business perspective we are taught over and over to set goals, have a picture of your dream where you can see it, think about what you want to achieve as often as possible. Even in counseling I was taught to help people set goals that are physical, measurable, tangible even. It's hard to put those thoughts together without focusing on material things. Don't get me wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting goal in that manner. If you don't have a measurable goal, how can you tell if you're making progress? I guess the issue I'm having is figuring out how that all goes together with what I'm getting from scripture this week. All that material stuff doesn't matter. What I truly want is to lead a Spirit led life. Ultimately I want to go home and here my Father say "well done good and faithful servant." I know that Gos puts dreams in my heart. I truly believe he was in charge of the house I'm sitting in from day one. I'm just not sure what to do with my thoughts. It's so easy to get preoccupied by the things here on earth that we forget to focus on what's really important - growing the Kingdom of God. It really sounds like I'm bashing the concept of seeking financial growth, and that's not my intent. I'm just trying to figure out how these concepts should for me in my life. What is it exactly God wants me to be doing right now? Hmmm.........I better go, I'm meeting a friend for coffee this morning (all by myself!).
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Tuesday
I'm a bit late getting this posted - had a migraine last night.
Consumption: 1 XS, 1 HEB Water, 2 Dr. Peppers (migraine, remember), 1 Chocolate Cherry TAMRB, Smoked Club on Sourdough (ready-made sammie from HEB), 1 cupcake (at Ms. Jenny's surprise party), 1 pepperoni pizza Lean Pocket, 1 #2 from Jack-in-the-Box
Exercise: 3 laps at the mall with Kara & Stephanie
Clutter Control: 1 load dishes
Spiritual Development: Well, I got up when Irene called. Actually having a chat with her each morning is really helping! I got in my chair and started reading through Luke 10 & 11. An hour later I woke up with a crick in my neck. It had been a rough night with Paris getting up and trying to get in our bed more than once so I guess my body wasn't done sleeping. I did finish my quiet time int he afternoon while the kids were resting. Here' what struck me:
Luke 11:9-13 is a passage many of us are familiar with. It is the ask and it will be given, seek and you will find scripture. This is vs 9 & 10. What got me today is verse 13. " If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him." First, let me acknowledge that I am "evil." I sin. Sometimes I sin BIG. Yet, when it comes to my children something kicks in that makes me want only good things for them. In truth I would sacrifice anything for the good of my children. God made the ultimate sacrifice by offering His son for the good of all His children. I can't even imagine that. His love is simply not comprehensible to me.
The end of this verse is something I never picked up on before. I always knew the "ask and it shall be given part," but the end of 13 is very specific about what is being given. This isn't an "ask for a new car an it will be in your driveway" kind of deal. What Jesus is telling us is that the best gift God can give us is the Holy Spirit. Having grown up in a church that just didn't talk about the Spirit much, I see why I never really picked up on this. This really change show I should approach God though. I'm not really in the habit of asking God for material things, but some people are. In truth there is an entire group of Christians that would say we are supposed to ask God for any and everything we want. They take "ask and it shall..." and run with it. I think Verse 13 is the most important here. We should be asking daily that God fill us with the Holy Spirit so that it can guide us each day. Blessing will flow from that, both for us and for the people we interact with. I do believe some of those blessing will be material because God communicates with us where we are, and the truth is sometimes we need a physical answer to remind us He is there. In reality, however, it is the gift of the Holy Spirit that leads to any physical blessing. My prayer for myself and each of you today is that we remember what to ask for and have confidence knowing that God's Spirit will never lead us astray. In fact, it will lead us down the path of righteousness straight to heaven.
Consumption: 1 XS, 1 HEB Water, 2 Dr. Peppers (migraine, remember), 1 Chocolate Cherry TAMRB, Smoked Club on Sourdough (ready-made sammie from HEB), 1 cupcake (at Ms. Jenny's surprise party), 1 pepperoni pizza Lean Pocket, 1 #2 from Jack-in-the-Box
Exercise: 3 laps at the mall with Kara & Stephanie
Clutter Control: 1 load dishes
Spiritual Development: Well, I got up when Irene called. Actually having a chat with her each morning is really helping! I got in my chair and started reading through Luke 10 & 11. An hour later I woke up with a crick in my neck. It had been a rough night with Paris getting up and trying to get in our bed more than once so I guess my body wasn't done sleeping. I did finish my quiet time int he afternoon while the kids were resting. Here' what struck me:
Luke 11:9-13 is a passage many of us are familiar with. It is the ask and it will be given, seek and you will find scripture. This is vs 9 & 10. What got me today is verse 13. " If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him." First, let me acknowledge that I am "evil." I sin. Sometimes I sin BIG. Yet, when it comes to my children something kicks in that makes me want only good things for them. In truth I would sacrifice anything for the good of my children. God made the ultimate sacrifice by offering His son for the good of all His children. I can't even imagine that. His love is simply not comprehensible to me.
The end of this verse is something I never picked up on before. I always knew the "ask and it shall be given part," but the end of 13 is very specific about what is being given. This isn't an "ask for a new car an it will be in your driveway" kind of deal. What Jesus is telling us is that the best gift God can give us is the Holy Spirit. Having grown up in a church that just didn't talk about the Spirit much, I see why I never really picked up on this. This really change show I should approach God though. I'm not really in the habit of asking God for material things, but some people are. In truth there is an entire group of Christians that would say we are supposed to ask God for any and everything we want. They take "ask and it shall..." and run with it. I think Verse 13 is the most important here. We should be asking daily that God fill us with the Holy Spirit so that it can guide us each day. Blessing will flow from that, both for us and for the people we interact with. I do believe some of those blessing will be material because God communicates with us where we are, and the truth is sometimes we need a physical answer to remind us He is there. In reality, however, it is the gift of the Holy Spirit that leads to any physical blessing. My prayer for myself and each of you today is that we remember what to ask for and have confidence knowing that God's Spirit will never lead us astray. In fact, it will lead us down the path of righteousness straight to heaven.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Monday, Monday
Consumption: 1 Cherry Blast XS, 1 HEB water, 2 cashews (I know that's random, but when Paris find one in the nut bowl she brings it to me), 1 slice of cheese, 4 Thai style Shrimp Spring Rolls, 1 Slim-a-Bear (Klondike) no sugar added ice cream sandwich, 1 turkey sandwich, a bite of cheese from Paris' plate because she said it tasted funny - it did not, and (here's the not so great part) 1/2 pint of Blue Bell Banana Pudding ice cream
Exercise: none
Clutter Control: 1 load of dishes, 2.5 loads of laundry (they're still in process), picked up all the dirty clothes from my bathroom and bedroom floor and sorted them into appropriate baskets (been needing to do that for some time, it was bad), boiled and shredded 5 lbs of boneless, skinless chicken breast and packed it in ~1 lb baggies in the freezer for future use
Spiritual Development: Had quiet time this morning at 6:15. My new rule is that I must actually TALK to Irene when she calls so that I don't treat her like my alarm clock (which I ignore on a regular basis!). I was in Luke 10 today. What I need to write about today didn't come from that quiet time though.
Saturday was a major day for me. First, Easy and I went out Friday night and had a wonderful time of conversation and relaxation (and a little exercise, but you probably don't want those details!). We talked about some of what I'm struggling with in this journey. It was great and I was able to express how I just don't know how to turn loose of some things. Saturday on the way down to my mom & dad's God released me of some things I hadn't forgiven myself for. He sent me a song via KSBJ that brought me to tears. I was glad Paris wasn't in the car asking questions. I'm horrible at knowing who sings what, but the chorus goes like this:
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believing is enough
My sins are gone
They're all erased
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
And just like that I was released from some baggage. I cried and prayed a lot on the way down to Baytown. It was pretty amazing. Tripp and Viv just hung out completely oblivious to what God was doing in our messy suburban. Then I went to a seminar for our Internet business and was really affirmed that we are on the path we are supposed to take with that. It was a day to mark in the calendar. I was left with a new sense of peace and some excitement about taking the journey itself and not just where I'll end up.
Father, thank you for taking a ride in the big green suburban with me this weekend. Help me remember that you aren't just a passenger in my life, but that you are the driver and your directions are never wrong.
Exercise: none
Clutter Control: 1 load of dishes, 2.5 loads of laundry (they're still in process), picked up all the dirty clothes from my bathroom and bedroom floor and sorted them into appropriate baskets (been needing to do that for some time, it was bad), boiled and shredded 5 lbs of boneless, skinless chicken breast and packed it in ~1 lb baggies in the freezer for future use
Spiritual Development: Had quiet time this morning at 6:15. My new rule is that I must actually TALK to Irene when she calls so that I don't treat her like my alarm clock (which I ignore on a regular basis!). I was in Luke 10 today. What I need to write about today didn't come from that quiet time though.
Saturday was a major day for me. First, Easy and I went out Friday night and had a wonderful time of conversation and relaxation (and a little exercise, but you probably don't want those details!). We talked about some of what I'm struggling with in this journey. It was great and I was able to express how I just don't know how to turn loose of some things. Saturday on the way down to my mom & dad's God released me of some things I hadn't forgiven myself for. He sent me a song via KSBJ that brought me to tears. I was glad Paris wasn't in the car asking questions. I'm horrible at knowing who sings what, but the chorus goes like this:
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believing is enough
My sins are gone
They're all erased
There's nothing left now
There's only grace
And just like that I was released from some baggage. I cried and prayed a lot on the way down to Baytown. It was pretty amazing. Tripp and Viv just hung out completely oblivious to what God was doing in our messy suburban. Then I went to a seminar for our Internet business and was really affirmed that we are on the path we are supposed to take with that. It was a day to mark in the calendar. I was left with a new sense of peace and some excitement about taking the journey itself and not just where I'll end up.
Father, thank you for taking a ride in the big green suburban with me this weekend. Help me remember that you aren't just a passenger in my life, but that you are the driver and your directions are never wrong.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Form Break
Today's post is a break in form. I'm posting now because I have a date with my husband tonight and I don't want to interrupt our evening by coming to the computer to blog later. Today has been a true day of rest for me. Paris left yesterday evening with my mom to spend some time with her Graggie & Dadoo all by herself. This morning, my babies and I slept in. Tripp (who I should probably stop calling a baby since he's 2 1/2!) didn't get up until after 8:00! V got up about 7:30 and I let her hang out in her playpen with her milk with cartoons on while I continued snoozing on the couch. The morning passed slowly, but it was fun. I had a shower and played with my kids. We played peek-a-boo, cars, tickle war, and crawl down the hall with Vivie. The afternoon was very quiet. After V went down for her nap I snuggled with Tripp on the couch until he went to sleep and then I just relaxed. Tonight I have a date with my husband. We're going out to eat and I don't know what else. Our sitter almost canceled due to a bad headache, but I must have sounded pretty sad because she called back and we made a deal. No baths, early bedtimes, dinner already done, and I'll have them in jammies before we leave. God is good. I was nearly in tears at the thought of not going out with my hot hubby. It just seems like the perfect way to cap off what has been a day or rejuvenating rest and fun. I have missed my big princess though. We've talked on the phone 4 times today I think. She's so grown up. I knew I needed the break, but man do I miss her!!! I'll be headed to my mom's tomorrow, so I probably won't post again until Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Two-fer
This is a two-fer post, as in two-fer-one. Actually, the truth is this:
Confession: I didn't post last night because I was very disappointed in myself yesterday. I ate poorly, and too much, I didn't get up for my morning quiet time (still had a headache), but I did read two chapters in my book. Ironically what hit me the most yesterday was this whole chapter on shame and how not good it is if we don't let it go - and then I was too ashamed of myself to post! No clutter control, no exercise, no nothin'. So, there you go, that's yesterday.
On to today.......
Consumption: 1 vanilla TAMRS w/banana & frozen cherries, 1 cran-grape blast XS, 1 HEB water, about 20 oz "plain" water, Wings N More for lunch (chicken tenders basket - ate all the chicken, most of the garlic toast, and a few fries), McDonald's Big n Tasty burger and a medium fry (I'm aware that is horrible for me, but I was tired and I really wanted a burger and I am out of the frozen HEB burgers I usually keep in the fridge.)
Exercise: Walked 3 (I think) laps at the mall with my friend Kara!
Clutter Control: not so much
Spiritual Development: Slept right through the alarms and my morning call from Irene today. I'm really struggling with that. At 6:00 I was awake, but I knew I didn't "have" to get up until 6:30 at the latest so I just laid there and then I fell so sound asleep that I overslept until 7:45!!! I couldn't believe my kids slept that late! I feel like I am having a hard time shifting my natural body clock to the earlier to bed, early to rise approach I'm aiming for. Pray for me about that. I know that if would just get up the first time I find myself awake (6:00 today) I would be just fine, it's that little voice saying, "Come on, you can get 30 more minutes (or 5 or 10) and still get it all in" that is winning at the moment. That voice needs to loose.
Confession: I didn't post last night because I was very disappointed in myself yesterday. I ate poorly, and too much, I didn't get up for my morning quiet time (still had a headache), but I did read two chapters in my book. Ironically what hit me the most yesterday was this whole chapter on shame and how not good it is if we don't let it go - and then I was too ashamed of myself to post! No clutter control, no exercise, no nothin'. So, there you go, that's yesterday.
On to today.......
Consumption: 1 vanilla TAMRS w/banana & frozen cherries, 1 cran-grape blast XS, 1 HEB water, about 20 oz "plain" water, Wings N More for lunch (chicken tenders basket - ate all the chicken, most of the garlic toast, and a few fries), McDonald's Big n Tasty burger and a medium fry (I'm aware that is horrible for me, but I was tired and I really wanted a burger and I am out of the frozen HEB burgers I usually keep in the fridge.)
Exercise: Walked 3 (I think) laps at the mall with my friend Kara!
Clutter Control: not so much
Spiritual Development: Slept right through the alarms and my morning call from Irene today. I'm really struggling with that. At 6:00 I was awake, but I knew I didn't "have" to get up until 6:30 at the latest so I just laid there and then I fell so sound asleep that I overslept until 7:45!!! I couldn't believe my kids slept that late! I feel like I am having a hard time shifting my natural body clock to the earlier to bed, early to rise approach I'm aiming for. Pray for me about that. I know that if would just get up the first time I find myself awake (6:00 today) I would be just fine, it's that little voice saying, "Come on, you can get 30 more minutes (or 5 or 10) and still get it all in" that is winning at the moment. That voice needs to loose.
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