Hmmmm......after an absence like this I don't know where to start..........so I'll start with the truth. I've undone some remodeling. I've gained 15 pounds. There, I said it........now I hope you will help me deal with it.
OK, so here's the deal - it's been a rough last 12 months. I could list lots of reasons that the last 12 months of my life we stressful and difficult and emotionally exhausting and blah blah blah. Here's the bottom line truth I've come to accept though - there are consequences to disobedience. Duh, right? I teach my kids that on a daily basis. So why is that a lesson I'm still learning?
About a year ago I spent some serious prayer time beseeching God for an answer to a pretty specific question. I felt very clearly that he gave me one. "No, don't do it." Guess what, I did it anyway. Doesn't really matter what "it" was, the point here is that I felt an answer in my spirit and allowed my flesh to act in opposition to that answer. So what were the consequences? The details don't matter, but there definitely was more stress in my life than there needed to be. And when I'm stressed............well, I eat. I feel like I deserve it. Like somehow it is a valid reward. I also realized part way through the year why I was so stressed out but there wasn't anything I could do about it. Then I felt guilty...........so I ate some more. Then I realized I was eating more than I should and that I wasn't making good choices...........which made me "feel bad about myself"..........so I ate some more. Gee, do you think perhaps I was listening to Satan's voice and not the Father's? I even said things to myself like "but look how big you were after Vivi, you're no where near that so it's OK." Um, no, not OK.
So, now what do I do? I can be a good wife, a good mom, and I can work in the gifts/ministry God has called me to. What does that look like? Well it starts with plate balancing - I'm in the process of removing all the activities that don't help me be a better wife, mom, writer, or teacher. I already have more peace having taken some of those steps. They have been well received by those they affect and I am thankful for their understanding and support.
I was recently convicted about this physical body yet again though. It is the vessel God gave me with which to accomplish all those things He calls me to do on this earth. I should be taking better care of it. So here I am, yet again needing to overhaul the temple - head to toe, mind to heart. I am no longer comparing myself to where I was 4 years ago. That battle is over. This is a different one. It may look the same on the outside, but I know that the terrain is different. This battle is one that I must rely on God to win because I so clearly can not do it in my own strength. Yes, I have new skills, weapons, perspectives, but so does Satan. So, I'm throwing down the gauntlet because my God deserves the best of what I have. I know when I'm giving Him my all He will fill me with strength and power I can't even comprehend. And I'm counting on that because it sure feels like Satan has outsmarted me for the past year.
I covet your prayers, your words of encouragement, your shared journey, even your admonishment. Please help keep me accountable. I intend to post at least weekly and update the sidebars under Progress Report. I am hungry for communication in this struggle - here, on FB, in person........I have felt very alone for the last year, but when I look around I see I am surrounded by people that I know will help me if I ask. So I'm asking.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Empty
So, it's been quite a while since the last post. I admit that Facebook is getting most of my posts these days. Perhaps that because I only think in 1-2 sentence segments. Today, however, I find myself needing to pour out a little and to ask for the prayers of anyone reading this.
Just in case any of you don't play on FB and missed the posts last fall, Paris was in fact diagnosed with Aspeerger's Syndrome. Since my last post we got the diagnosis, went through the process with the school district and now have appropriate labels and supports in place. We've started her on the same supplement Tripp takes to boost her body's production of glutathione and we are taking her to the therapeutic riding place where Tripp goes as well. She's actually doing really well right now.
I think that's part of why I find myself struggling at the moment. She and Tripp and Vivie are all doing really well. We've moved out of the barely surviving stage we were in for months and are doing well. As my mom pointed out though, when things are going well I actually have time to feel - and it doesn't neccessarily feel good. When I'm in survivial mode I can just work my guts out to get through the day and then pass out so I can do it all over again. There's no time to think or feel. No time to see the things I'm not getting done. No time to see where I'm not being obedient to God's call on my life. But now that things are going better with the kids.................yeah, not doing so great personally.
I think part of it is finally acknowledging that I have to kids with autism. Still hard to say that. Still makes me want to cry sometimes. It's not just that though. Another person that I love dearly was diagnosed with cancer last week. Prognosis is great and I have very little doubt that the treatment plan is going to obliterate the cancer. But, seriously, I'm tired of this! I had a friend tell me recently that I can't afford to sweat the small stuff because my life is full of the big stuff. Well I'm kinda sick of big stuff.
I recently spoke at a women's event at church. It was a message that I enjoyed sharing - that I enjoyed learning - that God put on my heart just for that event. I realize now that since that day I have been under attack. Now, I realize not all of you reading this may truly beleive in spirtual warfare. But I do. And I'm telling you that Satan didn't like the message I shared. He didn't like that in the midst of my life of "big stuff" I still let God give me that message and was obedient in sharing it. He's ramped up his battle against me and I confess that I have faltered. I am struggling. I'd rather hide in bed and eat chocolate than do anything. Actually, I have hidden in bed and eaten chocolate. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm tearful. I was reminded this week at ladies' class how important it is to recognize when we're under attack. Now I see it. Now I can fight it because now I remember that I can call upon the strength of the Lord to get through these days.
Friends - pray for me. Pray that Satan will back off. Pray that I will stand strong in Christ and KNOW that God is God and I am not. Pray that I will rely on the strength of the Lord and heed the stirrings of the Holy Spirit. Pray that I will be obedient and allow God's work in and through me to be done. Pray continually - because I am under attack.
Just in case any of you don't play on FB and missed the posts last fall, Paris was in fact diagnosed with Aspeerger's Syndrome. Since my last post we got the diagnosis, went through the process with the school district and now have appropriate labels and supports in place. We've started her on the same supplement Tripp takes to boost her body's production of glutathione and we are taking her to the therapeutic riding place where Tripp goes as well. She's actually doing really well right now.
I think that's part of why I find myself struggling at the moment. She and Tripp and Vivie are all doing really well. We've moved out of the barely surviving stage we were in for months and are doing well. As my mom pointed out though, when things are going well I actually have time to feel - and it doesn't neccessarily feel good. When I'm in survivial mode I can just work my guts out to get through the day and then pass out so I can do it all over again. There's no time to think or feel. No time to see the things I'm not getting done. No time to see where I'm not being obedient to God's call on my life. But now that things are going better with the kids.................yeah, not doing so great personally.
I think part of it is finally acknowledging that I have to kids with autism. Still hard to say that. Still makes me want to cry sometimes. It's not just that though. Another person that I love dearly was diagnosed with cancer last week. Prognosis is great and I have very little doubt that the treatment plan is going to obliterate the cancer. But, seriously, I'm tired of this! I had a friend tell me recently that I can't afford to sweat the small stuff because my life is full of the big stuff. Well I'm kinda sick of big stuff.
I recently spoke at a women's event at church. It was a message that I enjoyed sharing - that I enjoyed learning - that God put on my heart just for that event. I realize now that since that day I have been under attack. Now, I realize not all of you reading this may truly beleive in spirtual warfare. But I do. And I'm telling you that Satan didn't like the message I shared. He didn't like that in the midst of my life of "big stuff" I still let God give me that message and was obedient in sharing it. He's ramped up his battle against me and I confess that I have faltered. I am struggling. I'd rather hide in bed and eat chocolate than do anything. Actually, I have hidden in bed and eaten chocolate. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm tearful. I was reminded this week at ladies' class how important it is to recognize when we're under attack. Now I see it. Now I can fight it because now I remember that I can call upon the strength of the Lord to get through these days.
Friends - pray for me. Pray that Satan will back off. Pray that I will stand strong in Christ and KNOW that God is God and I am not. Pray that I will rely on the strength of the Lord and heed the stirrings of the Holy Spirit. Pray that I will be obedient and allow God's work in and through me to be done. Pray continually - because I am under attack.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A Word about Demolition
So here's the thing about remodeling - it's not the same as redecorating. As I look over the journey I've taken regarding the physical parts of this temple I realize that it was mostly redecorating. It's the exterior. I'm not saying it's been easy or that I didn't have to destroy some seriously false beliefs and thoughts along the way, but it was really just redecorating. Paris has been wanting to redecorate her room. We told her we can redo her room for her 8thb-day (next summer) and she's is enjoying coming up with ideas for that. Currently we are considering dark purple and hot pink and perhaps some words written above her closet - Rock n Roll. She's a hoot. Redecorating with her will be fun. If we started knocking out walls and such though - well it could get pretty messy.
So, if I'm going to stay in the remodeling process, it's time to talk about why it's different than just changing the shell. Remodeling often, if not always, requires some kind of demolition. Demolition hurts. It's ripping out walls, changing the floor plan, adding rooms. It's cutting, nailing, sawing. It's noisy. It's messy. BUT, if you have the right contractor it all gets cleaned up and put together and looks great on the other side of the mess. My belief is that when the Master Carpenter is in charge of the remodel, it actually turns out better than you planned. But the demolition still hurts.
This week I've been coming to terms again with the fact the my children's future isn't going to look just like I imagined when I gave birth to them. In reality I guess no child's future is exactly what their parents pictured on day one. When Tripp was diagnosed on the autism spectrum a grieving process began. Though God has faithfully brought me through that initial pain, I know that I will continue to grieve the loss of what I thought his life was going to be. Now don't get me wrong, I know that God has big plans for my little Monkey. I think Tripp is going to grow into an amazing young man and will be capable of having fulfilling relationships and a job that fits him perfectly. But it's going to be a challenge. And it isn't going to be the journey I pictured in my head when I found out I was having a baby boy. Different isn't necessarily worse, but we still grieve the loss of what we thought life would be.
This week I feel like a new room is being demolished. I took Paris to the doctor on Wednesday to begin the process of having her evaluated for...something. We're honestly not sure what. We've considered ADD, Dyslexia, Depression, and even Asperger's Syndrome. We had our "initial interview" this week and I think this huge part of me wanted to hear our doc say "No, I don't think this is a spectrum deal. Let's look more closely at ADD." I didn't hear that. What I did hear was that we need to do some formal testing and look really closely at this. Asperger's is clearly on the table. It is a real possibility that another of my children will diagnostically be placed on the autism spectrum. Do you hear the walls being ripped apart? This. Hurts.
Now, in reality, it's doesn't matter what label Paris winds up carrying around. I love my daughter. She's struggling right now and I will do any and everything in my power to make life better for her. But my power only goes so far and that's the scary part. When it comes to ASDs you can only do so much and then you just have to see how it goes. I don't like the unknowns. I don't like the life-long part. I don't like seeing my child in pain. I don't like any of this.
BUT
I do like knowing that the Master Carpenter is in control. I like knowing that though it's not easy, when I submit to His work the end product is more beautiful than I could have imagined up on my own. I like knowing that my children are His children and His love and mercy and grace are bigger than I can fathom. Yes, I know that He will see us all through no matter what the outcome of these evaluations are. The floor plan may be changing, but the temple is still His, and on the days that it feels like the floor is being ripped from beneath me I take comfort in knowing that He is simply adding a new story - a new level of our relationship. Going deeper takes digging. Remodeling often requires demolition.
Father, I submit to Your work. In me and in my children. Please give me peace as we walk this new part of the journey. Thank you Lord for not asking me to walk it alone, but carrying me along when I can't go any further. Thank you for sweet friends and an amazing family that hold me up when I am tired. I am so richly blessed Lord. I love you. Amen.
So, if I'm going to stay in the remodeling process, it's time to talk about why it's different than just changing the shell. Remodeling often, if not always, requires some kind of demolition. Demolition hurts. It's ripping out walls, changing the floor plan, adding rooms. It's cutting, nailing, sawing. It's noisy. It's messy. BUT, if you have the right contractor it all gets cleaned up and put together and looks great on the other side of the mess. My belief is that when the Master Carpenter is in charge of the remodel, it actually turns out better than you planned. But the demolition still hurts.
This week I've been coming to terms again with the fact the my children's future isn't going to look just like I imagined when I gave birth to them. In reality I guess no child's future is exactly what their parents pictured on day one. When Tripp was diagnosed on the autism spectrum a grieving process began. Though God has faithfully brought me through that initial pain, I know that I will continue to grieve the loss of what I thought his life was going to be. Now don't get me wrong, I know that God has big plans for my little Monkey. I think Tripp is going to grow into an amazing young man and will be capable of having fulfilling relationships and a job that fits him perfectly. But it's going to be a challenge. And it isn't going to be the journey I pictured in my head when I found out I was having a baby boy. Different isn't necessarily worse, but we still grieve the loss of what we thought life would be.
This week I feel like a new room is being demolished. I took Paris to the doctor on Wednesday to begin the process of having her evaluated for...something. We're honestly not sure what. We've considered ADD, Dyslexia, Depression, and even Asperger's Syndrome. We had our "initial interview" this week and I think this huge part of me wanted to hear our doc say "No, I don't think this is a spectrum deal. Let's look more closely at ADD." I didn't hear that. What I did hear was that we need to do some formal testing and look really closely at this. Asperger's is clearly on the table. It is a real possibility that another of my children will diagnostically be placed on the autism spectrum. Do you hear the walls being ripped apart? This. Hurts.
Now, in reality, it's doesn't matter what label Paris winds up carrying around. I love my daughter. She's struggling right now and I will do any and everything in my power to make life better for her. But my power only goes so far and that's the scary part. When it comes to ASDs you can only do so much and then you just have to see how it goes. I don't like the unknowns. I don't like the life-long part. I don't like seeing my child in pain. I don't like any of this.
BUT
I do like knowing that the Master Carpenter is in control. I like knowing that though it's not easy, when I submit to His work the end product is more beautiful than I could have imagined up on my own. I like knowing that my children are His children and His love and mercy and grace are bigger than I can fathom. Yes, I know that He will see us all through no matter what the outcome of these evaluations are. The floor plan may be changing, but the temple is still His, and on the days that it feels like the floor is being ripped from beneath me I take comfort in knowing that He is simply adding a new story - a new level of our relationship. Going deeper takes digging. Remodeling often requires demolition.
Father, I submit to Your work. In me and in my children. Please give me peace as we walk this new part of the journey. Thank you Lord for not asking me to walk it alone, but carrying me along when I can't go any further. Thank you for sweet friends and an amazing family that hold me up when I am tired. I am so richly blessed Lord. I love you. Amen.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Rushing Water
So God is calling me in some new directions. Or maybe they are old directions that He is reminding me He wants me to go. Sorry, I'm not ready to be too specific here. What I can say is that it's kind of like standing in a river.
The river is clear and calm and the perfect temperature. You can see your bare feet if you look down. Then it rains. One of those flash flood kind of deals that you are not prepared for at all. The river isn't so clear anymore, can't see your feet. The water is moving quicker, and it's rising. Just about the time things are starting to settle something up river shifts. A change in a life that isn't your own, but touches you none the less. It's a torrential flood up there. You can see the water coming downstream. There's a lot of it. You know God is in control of it, but it looks scary. It just may wash you away. You can trust Him. He won't let you drown. Here it comes....................
Quick, grab a branch! Hold on with all you've got. Don't ever let go. Even if you survive the rapids, you don't know what lies ahead. There could be deep murky waters, or maybe drought. It's safe here. You know this river. It's never hurt you before. Just stay put.
Trust Me. I will wash your sins away. I have work for you to do. Things you can't even imagine await you. Trust Me.
But you're a weak swimmer! You can't do this on your own. You'll never make it. This is SCARY! Don't let go!
Let go and trust Me.
Friends, pray for me that I listen to the voice of my Father and not that of satan. Help me as my sweet friend Kara did tonight to let go of the that branch one finger at a time until I'm washed clean down stream into the life God has planned for me - no matter what that looks like.
So you let go. Your listen and you let go. You have faith in His provision so you let go of what is comfortable and familiar. You toss and tumble through raging waters and waterfalls. And just when you think you can't possible take another moment, there is peace. As you catch your breath and stand in the smooth crystal clear water you look back at the path you took and in it you see all the beauty of God's creation. And you know that you have been created anew in Him. Now you are free to move with the flow of the river, whereve it might take you.
The river is clear and calm and the perfect temperature. You can see your bare feet if you look down. Then it rains. One of those flash flood kind of deals that you are not prepared for at all. The river isn't so clear anymore, can't see your feet. The water is moving quicker, and it's rising. Just about the time things are starting to settle something up river shifts. A change in a life that isn't your own, but touches you none the less. It's a torrential flood up there. You can see the water coming downstream. There's a lot of it. You know God is in control of it, but it looks scary. It just may wash you away. You can trust Him. He won't let you drown. Here it comes....................
Quick, grab a branch! Hold on with all you've got. Don't ever let go. Even if you survive the rapids, you don't know what lies ahead. There could be deep murky waters, or maybe drought. It's safe here. You know this river. It's never hurt you before. Just stay put.
Trust Me. I will wash your sins away. I have work for you to do. Things you can't even imagine await you. Trust Me.
But you're a weak swimmer! You can't do this on your own. You'll never make it. This is SCARY! Don't let go!
Let go and trust Me.
Friends, pray for me that I listen to the voice of my Father and not that of satan. Help me as my sweet friend Kara did tonight to let go of the that branch one finger at a time until I'm washed clean down stream into the life God has planned for me - no matter what that looks like.
So you let go. Your listen and you let go. You have faith in His provision so you let go of what is comfortable and familiar. You toss and tumble through raging waters and waterfalls. And just when you think you can't possible take another moment, there is peace. As you catch your breath and stand in the smooth crystal clear water you look back at the path you took and in it you see all the beauty of God's creation. And you know that you have been created anew in Him. Now you are free to move with the flow of the river, whereve it might take you.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Natural Disaster
This temple is flooded with tears of grief, yet the foundation sings out songs of praise.
Father, we love you.
We worship and adore you.
Glorify thy name in all the earth.
You are the one that we praise.
You are the one we adore.
You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for.
Father I don't understand but I know that You are LOVE. And your love for Brad was made complete today. I believe you work all things for good. Help me with my unbelief.
Father, we love you.
We worship and adore you.
Glorify thy name in all the earth.
You are the one that we praise.
You are the one we adore.
You give the healing and grace our hearts always hunger for.
Father I don't understand but I know that You are LOVE. And your love for Brad was made complete today. I believe you work all things for good. Help me with my unbelief.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2009
Well, Happy New Year to the handful of you that still check in on this blog! I know I haven't been very good about updating here - sorry about that. So, in the spirit of reflection here is a brief catch up on the physical part of this remodel............
Total weight lost since launching this blog: 45 pounds - original goal weight acheived!
I've been working with a dear friend since May and she has really helped me learn a lot about how I eat and what changes need to be made. With her gentle guidance I have decided to drop my goal weight by another 5 pounds and I have set a "naked max." That is the maximum I allow myself to weigh when I'm naked - the way I always weigh at home.
So, here's the plan for this coming year:
Goal: 145 pounds
Naked Max: 153 pounds
Food: Continue to monitor closely both the sugar and fat content of my food. Increase fresh fruits and veggies (again). My main goal when it comes to food this year is to learn how to keep it going year round. I do REALLY well in the summer when the schedule is relaxed and I'm at home and have time to prepare food. During the school year I really struggle with maintaining good eating habits - especially since I started working 2 part-time jobs. So that's what I want to defeat this year. I realize it will take some planning and weekend prep work but I think it will be key in finalizing the changes I've already made.
Exercise: Yeah, this is still on the list. Truth is I have only exercised in spurts since beginning this journey. I believe comepletely that it is time to change that. Though I have dropped the weight I intended to drop, I do not yet feel healthy and I know it has to do with fitness and not scales. So, Easy and I are looking at some ways that we might be able to walk, and maybe run eventually, together. I do still have that treadmill in my room, I did purchase a handweight/video workout back in October, and my hubby bought me the Wii Fit for Christmas. With all of those options I should be able to do something in this category every day! But, I'm also realistic so for now I'm going to set a goal of intentional physical activity 3-4 times a week. I need your prayers for this one guys - it is the part I have never truly submitted to as an adult and I know it is crucial for my health.
Spiritual Development: I'm in a very different place than I was when I started this blog. God has not only removed physical pounds from me he has stripped away many layers of of dust, mold, and mildew that I had hiding in the dark corners of this temple. My prayer is that he continue to seek out the rooms I don't even know exist and help me create in them what He wants to see. I have to say that it has been quite striking to me to see all the pictures that have been taken in the last 3 months. The thing that jumps out at me is not how much smaller I am, but rather the look on my face. In every single picture I see peace and joy. It has truly been over 10 years since there was such consistency in the underlying peace in my life. Even in those times when I'm mad at it all I still have peace and joy - possible only through the Spirit. I pray that this year brings more of the same and that when He is ready that God will lay a path for new ministry and show me what my role is.
Clutter Control: Yeah right. No seriously, we'll just have to wait and see how thing go. I've realized I can only do so much and of all the things I started being accountable about on this blog this category is the least important. So, my goal for 2009 is simply to keep up. If I can keep my bathrooms clean and the dishes and laundry at a manageable pace then I'll be happy. And when those times come that I simply can't stand the chaos anymore I'll call on my dear friend Erika to come and help me clear it out and start over. I know not everyone can function that way, but I'm OK with it and it means more time focusing on the important stuff.
So, there you go guys. That's what I'm shooting for in 2009. I feel I should offer the obligatory "I'll post more often" promise, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep. So instead I'll just say that I'll post when I can, when the Spirit lays something on my heart that needs sharing, when I'm desparate for your prayers, and when I want to invite you to celebrate in His success. Happy New Year everyone - I pray blessing will abound in your life in 2009!
Total weight lost since launching this blog: 45 pounds - original goal weight acheived!
I've been working with a dear friend since May and she has really helped me learn a lot about how I eat and what changes need to be made. With her gentle guidance I have decided to drop my goal weight by another 5 pounds and I have set a "naked max." That is the maximum I allow myself to weigh when I'm naked - the way I always weigh at home.
So, here's the plan for this coming year:
Goal: 145 pounds
Naked Max: 153 pounds
Food: Continue to monitor closely both the sugar and fat content of my food. Increase fresh fruits and veggies (again). My main goal when it comes to food this year is to learn how to keep it going year round. I do REALLY well in the summer when the schedule is relaxed and I'm at home and have time to prepare food. During the school year I really struggle with maintaining good eating habits - especially since I started working 2 part-time jobs. So that's what I want to defeat this year. I realize it will take some planning and weekend prep work but I think it will be key in finalizing the changes I've already made.
Exercise: Yeah, this is still on the list. Truth is I have only exercised in spurts since beginning this journey. I believe comepletely that it is time to change that. Though I have dropped the weight I intended to drop, I do not yet feel healthy and I know it has to do with fitness and not scales. So, Easy and I are looking at some ways that we might be able to walk, and maybe run eventually, together. I do still have that treadmill in my room, I did purchase a handweight/video workout back in October, and my hubby bought me the Wii Fit for Christmas. With all of those options I should be able to do something in this category every day! But, I'm also realistic so for now I'm going to set a goal of intentional physical activity 3-4 times a week. I need your prayers for this one guys - it is the part I have never truly submitted to as an adult and I know it is crucial for my health.
Spiritual Development: I'm in a very different place than I was when I started this blog. God has not only removed physical pounds from me he has stripped away many layers of of dust, mold, and mildew that I had hiding in the dark corners of this temple. My prayer is that he continue to seek out the rooms I don't even know exist and help me create in them what He wants to see. I have to say that it has been quite striking to me to see all the pictures that have been taken in the last 3 months. The thing that jumps out at me is not how much smaller I am, but rather the look on my face. In every single picture I see peace and joy. It has truly been over 10 years since there was such consistency in the underlying peace in my life. Even in those times when I'm mad at it all I still have peace and joy - possible only through the Spirit. I pray that this year brings more of the same and that when He is ready that God will lay a path for new ministry and show me what my role is.
Clutter Control: Yeah right. No seriously, we'll just have to wait and see how thing go. I've realized I can only do so much and of all the things I started being accountable about on this blog this category is the least important. So, my goal for 2009 is simply to keep up. If I can keep my bathrooms clean and the dishes and laundry at a manageable pace then I'll be happy. And when those times come that I simply can't stand the chaos anymore I'll call on my dear friend Erika to come and help me clear it out and start over. I know not everyone can function that way, but I'm OK with it and it means more time focusing on the important stuff.
So, there you go guys. That's what I'm shooting for in 2009. I feel I should offer the obligatory "I'll post more often" promise, but I don't want to make promises I can't keep. So instead I'll just say that I'll post when I can, when the Spirit lays something on my heart that needs sharing, when I'm desparate for your prayers, and when I want to invite you to celebrate in His success. Happy New Year everyone - I pray blessing will abound in your life in 2009!
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